Here and gone again
I have been trying to think about what to write for about a week. I've started three entries and left them either half complete or without substance. So in the vein of the best writers, when faced by writers block, I am attempting to put substance to what is keeping me from putting pen to proverbial paper.
Not that I use pen or paper anymore.
I have a feeling that what the whole thing boils down to is my extreme anger at myself. But one cannot simply put the solution to the problem on paper and expect it to mean the same thing as writing out the whole problem. So let's start at a beginning. As with all personal drama from the past month, a logical beginning is my breakup. I've moved sideways from being angry at Aaron for cheating on me and leaving me to being angry at myself for being unable to let go. I finally did myself the favor of deleting him from everything (a full month after it should have happened and after I told everyone I had done it.) including my cellphone. Now all I have to do is forget the things that I still remember and the hard part will be over. But the fact remain that despite my (admittedly recent) shift in attitude, I still can't shake the worst of the experience and I am left with this blistering sore in the core of my being that is a conflicted array of hate, love, disgust and fondness.
“If I said 'I want you back' I'd be a lier.
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore.
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire,
and every night I can't help reaching out for more.
And I can't sleep.”
I also have found myself furious with my inability to deal with deal with more daily things like finding a job over winter break or handling my personal finances. Part of this was me withdrawing from the world because I really didn't want to deal with it or with how depressed I had become again. But part of me just is really bad at dealing with the bureaucracy involved with the system. What I am discovering is that raw, untrained intellect is very bad at dealing with organized systems. You need very detailed training to out think a form or a telephone system. This is in contrast to what schools try to teach, namely that any situation can be resolved when approached with the right frame of mind. Of course, I could just be bad at it, but I'd like to think I'm not alone in my tribulations.
Despite my rationalization of recent events, I still find myself unable to come up with a convincing reason as to why I can't deal with things and write about something other than my own issues. I am aware that I, like everyone else, am a inherently selfish person who ultimately only cares about himself and his own wellbeing. Still, I want to believe I can overcome these obstacles and write something that really speaks to my readers and gets them to think about things in new ways.
Muah!
Lyrinoir
Lyrics from the Album “Tri-State” by Above and Beyond
Not that I use pen or paper anymore.
I have a feeling that what the whole thing boils down to is my extreme anger at myself. But one cannot simply put the solution to the problem on paper and expect it to mean the same thing as writing out the whole problem. So let's start at a beginning. As with all personal drama from the past month, a logical beginning is my breakup. I've moved sideways from being angry at Aaron for cheating on me and leaving me to being angry at myself for being unable to let go. I finally did myself the favor of deleting him from everything (a full month after it should have happened and after I told everyone I had done it.) including my cellphone. Now all I have to do is forget the things that I still remember and the hard part will be over. But the fact remain that despite my (admittedly recent) shift in attitude, I still can't shake the worst of the experience and I am left with this blistering sore in the core of my being that is a conflicted array of hate, love, disgust and fondness.
“If I said 'I want you back' I'd be a lier.
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore.
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire,
and every night I can't help reaching out for more.
And I can't sleep.”
I also have found myself furious with my inability to deal with deal with more daily things like finding a job over winter break or handling my personal finances. Part of this was me withdrawing from the world because I really didn't want to deal with it or with how depressed I had become again. But part of me just is really bad at dealing with the bureaucracy involved with the system. What I am discovering is that raw, untrained intellect is very bad at dealing with organized systems. You need very detailed training to out think a form or a telephone system. This is in contrast to what schools try to teach, namely that any situation can be resolved when approached with the right frame of mind. Of course, I could just be bad at it, but I'd like to think I'm not alone in my tribulations.
Despite my rationalization of recent events, I still find myself unable to come up with a convincing reason as to why I can't deal with things and write about something other than my own issues. I am aware that I, like everyone else, am a inherently selfish person who ultimately only cares about himself and his own wellbeing. Still, I want to believe I can overcome these obstacles and write something that really speaks to my readers and gets them to think about things in new ways.
Muah!
Lyrinoir
Lyrics from the Album “Tri-State” by Above and Beyond
posted by Lyrinoir at 2:18 PM
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