Sorrow

Things have gotten inordinately complicated. Between potential relationships, personal drama, school work and looming depression, I feel happydrainedstressedsad. In that order. What really disgusts me is that despite the huge amount of things are going OK in my life, I am still managing to feel depressed.

MTV recently started running a series of PSAs (Public Service Announcements) on the dangers of depression. While some of them feel a little hoaky, the problem is real. Most medical journals say that about 16% of the population will experience clinical depressive states at some point in their lives and the number is rising. In addition are the growing number of people who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). MDD is a lot like Bipolar disorder except it lacks the manic, happy swing on the scale. MDD simply goes from neutral to depressed repeatedly.

I've suffered from depression for over eight years. Ever since my father passed away. It's had phases, ranging from the acute horror of suicide to the mild depression more commonly associated with 'Emo' culture. I'd have to say that recent events are moving me in the direction of the prior although I would even consider suicide ever again. But I'm definitely leaving the realm of, “It doesn't pay to get up in the morning.” and moving into the, “Dear gods, why am I here?” phase.

I'd like to take a moment to say again, that I am not feeling suicidal. I don't want a hundred phone calls telling me it's not worth it in the next few days. I'm just very down. And I have been for about three days now.

I guess if there were going to be a point to this, is you should all be careful to watch your friends. I would be a whole hell of a lot worse off if I didn't have a small army of people to talk to about most of my problems. But some people aren't as public with their emotions as I am. I've been lucky enough to never have a friend commit suicide but I can only imagine the horror involved for those who have. So keep an eye out. Watch for the signs. And please, be careful what you do to those you care about.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Words

I sometimes feel the need to write things down. Not to put them out there for people to read, although that's what I generally do. But so that I can look at them and try to understand some of the things that are going on in my life. I am a strange person. I am perfectly aware that I am depressed. But at the same time, I am enjoying the greater emotional connections that this state grants me. I have recently realized that it hurts me to be in quiet places. Which is why I always have music with me when I'm not with people. My current depressive state was brought on by Valentine's Day and my contemplation of what it means to be in a relationship. I realized that I am not a good lover while simultaneously I am someone who knows how to be a good lover. Relationships aren't about the stupid things that add up on the outside but instead, a true and deep affection that transcends lust and trinkets. Love is the emotion that is left when you know everything about your partner, both good and bad, and you can accept it. I fall in love very quickly, which defies my own definition of the word. I am both hypocritical and stereotypical in this respect. So what I do is develop a deep affection for a person without really delving their deep personalities or problems. I also crave affection and love on a surface level to the point where I am desperate to find someone. At the same time, I reject potential sources for affection because I am: too picky, afraid of the consequences, unable to voice my feelings and terrified that I am reading something into the relationship that isn't there. My ability to self-diagnose depression, also gives me good empathic insight into the feelings of others. It was not a surprise when my last boyfriend broke up with me. I had been expecting it for three weeks. Despite this, I was unable to create the mental barriers need to prevent myself from collapsing into a depressive cycle that lasted two months. In some ways, I think I want to be depressed. It would be wrong of me to say that I don't enjoy the resultant drama. I pretended to be drunk to elicit interesting responses from my recent ex. And I live for other people's drama. When it comes down to it, I am an emotional vampire, thriving on drama and craving love.

A friend of mine told me he was bisexual yesterday. After the initial surprise, I found myself evaluating him in terms of a potential relationship. This disgusted me so much that I had to go take a shower. Am I that much of a pathetic vampire that I would use my friend's confidence in me to feed my own addiction to romance? I don't know where this will go, but we've been talking and for better or worse, there is a new dimension to our relationship and I can't help but feel that there is now a layer of sexual tension between us. It could just be me. I do that a lot.

So it's 6:30 in the morning. I've been up for the better part of four hours, writing and listening to my Break-Up mix. I am no closer to understanding the strange turn of events that happened yesterday. I'm not even sure that there is a cogent idea in the above rambling. But I feel the need to put it out there for people to see. You probably don't care about my little dramas or my extreme psychosis or even that I'm putting this out there for the world to see. But here it is. And the fact is, that even if you don't care about me, there are parts of this reflection that you can relate to. My life might be a bit complicated right now, but yours might have been ten times as confusing at some point. Who knows? Maybe you're going through the exact same things as me.

It has been said that “Words do not solve problems, actions do.” But words are the fabric that bind our minds together. The descriptions and ties that bind us to this world and give us a real, valid existence. So I write things down; to give myself location and direction, to learn more about myself, to say things that I might not normally say. I hope whoever reads this can learn something, not about me but about themselves. That would make everything worthwhile.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Playlist: Break Up with Style

Rather than a formal entry, today I submit to you, a Playlist.
Subject: Breaking Up
Style: Electro/Pop

Tracks:
1.Losing You, Eiffel 65
2.Like the Desserts, Everything But the Girl
3.Can't Sleep, Above and Beyond
4.Kiss You Off, Scissor Sisters
5.Everythings Just Wonderful, Lily Allen
6.In My Memory, DJ Tiësto
7.Take Me Back to Your House, Basement Jaxx
8.Divine, Supreme Beings of Leisure
9.Not Big, Lily Allen
10.Since You've Been Gone (Jason Nevins Mix), Kelly Clarkson
11.Single ('06 Mix), Natasha Bedingfield
12.Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go), Garbage
13.I Move On, Chicago Soundtrack (Movie)
14.Smile (Mark Ronson Mix), Lily Allen
15.Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap

The Playlist runs the gamut from perky, 'Kiss Off' songs to heartfelt 'Missing You' tunes. The message is a little jumbled but the theme is clearly conveyed across the genres and the styles. I borrowed heavily from Lily Allen since breaking up seams to be her bailiwick and the rest just kinda came together. Losing You breaks the initial expectations of the playlist while setting up some of the later sad songs. Like the Desserts is a standby for any breakup list and Can't Sleep slides right in despite its Trance feel. Kiss You Off flips the mood and leads into Lily Allen's signature, 'screw you' breakup song. Heavy trance hit, In My Memory serves as the mellower for the Divine. Switch it back up for the Not Big, Since You've Been Gone and Single sequence that just scream “I will survive.” Cherry Lips is my personal theme song and I Move On fills the obligatory Showtune category. I love the remix of Smile to keep the feel-good vibe going while toning down the energy. Hide and Seek ties up the knots and leaves you refreshed and focused on the future.

You don't have to like it, but I do.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Happy Valentine's

It is in the nature of those who are single to despise February. Valentine's Day is, at it's best, an expression of love and the oncoming warmth of spring. At it's worst, it is a crass commercial pseudo holiday based on the flimsy traditions of Chaucer and a great deal of marketing. I have always despised Valentine's Day, regardless of my personal relationship status. Something about the enforced nature of receiving the little cards in middle school. And there was always someone who got forgotten. Which is not to say that I begrudge the happy couples their night of romance and... whatever. I would probably be doing the same thing in different circumstances. I just really don't feel that a real relationship needs a horrible little holiday to keep the romance alive.

I guess I feel the same way about anniversaries in the long run. There just excuses to go out of your way to feel good about being in a relationship, when you should be going out of your way every day to keep the one that you love happy. Of course I'm not the expert. I barely even make the cut to write about this. But I'd like to think that I know a thing or two from watching more than one relationship spiral out of control.

So enjoy your holiday if you must but remember that tomorrow is even more precious today and that real love doesn't end the day after Valentine's.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

U.K. Distractions

So I picked up Lily Allen's CD on iTunes. There's a bit of a story behind as to how I stumbled across Lily but it boils down to me absolutely loving anything that comes out of the U.K. The CD is wonderfully produced and Ms. Allen's lyrics are peppy and upbeat while seething with hate and distaste for boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and relationships in general. Wonderful stuff. I can't recommend this music enough. Think Natasha Bedingfield with a sarcastic edge and a little more urban flavor.

While we're on all things British, the second season of Doctor Who is brilliant even though the 10th Doctor is not the 9th and I don't think I'll ever love another one as much as I did Christopher Ecceleston's “Fantastic” Doctor. I won't go and spoil the ending of the season but I will say that the Doctor moves on to a new primary companion and while I'm sad to see Rose go, I have high hopes for the future of the franchise.

That's basically it. Nothing deep or dramatic today. Too much work going on to be dramatic.

Muah!
Lyrinoir