Sorrow

Things have gotten inordinately complicated. Between potential relationships, personal drama, school work and looming depression, I feel happydrainedstressedsad. In that order. What really disgusts me is that despite the huge amount of things are going OK in my life, I am still managing to feel depressed.

MTV recently started running a series of PSAs (Public Service Announcements) on the dangers of depression. While some of them feel a little hoaky, the problem is real. Most medical journals say that about 16% of the population will experience clinical depressive states at some point in their lives and the number is rising. In addition are the growing number of people who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). MDD is a lot like Bipolar disorder except it lacks the manic, happy swing on the scale. MDD simply goes from neutral to depressed repeatedly.

I've suffered from depression for over eight years. Ever since my father passed away. It's had phases, ranging from the acute horror of suicide to the mild depression more commonly associated with 'Emo' culture. I'd have to say that recent events are moving me in the direction of the prior although I would even consider suicide ever again. But I'm definitely leaving the realm of, “It doesn't pay to get up in the morning.” and moving into the, “Dear gods, why am I here?” phase.

I'd like to take a moment to say again, that I am not feeling suicidal. I don't want a hundred phone calls telling me it's not worth it in the next few days. I'm just very down. And I have been for about three days now.

I guess if there were going to be a point to this, is you should all be careful to watch your friends. I would be a whole hell of a lot worse off if I didn't have a small army of people to talk to about most of my problems. But some people aren't as public with their emotions as I am. I've been lucky enough to never have a friend commit suicide but I can only imagine the horror involved for those who have. So keep an eye out. Watch for the signs. And please, be careful what you do to those you care about.

Muah!
Lyrinoir