Words

I sometimes feel the need to write things down. Not to put them out there for people to read, although that's what I generally do. But so that I can look at them and try to understand some of the things that are going on in my life. I am a strange person. I am perfectly aware that I am depressed. But at the same time, I am enjoying the greater emotional connections that this state grants me. I have recently realized that it hurts me to be in quiet places. Which is why I always have music with me when I'm not with people. My current depressive state was brought on by Valentine's Day and my contemplation of what it means to be in a relationship. I realized that I am not a good lover while simultaneously I am someone who knows how to be a good lover. Relationships aren't about the stupid things that add up on the outside but instead, a true and deep affection that transcends lust and trinkets. Love is the emotion that is left when you know everything about your partner, both good and bad, and you can accept it. I fall in love very quickly, which defies my own definition of the word. I am both hypocritical and stereotypical in this respect. So what I do is develop a deep affection for a person without really delving their deep personalities or problems. I also crave affection and love on a surface level to the point where I am desperate to find someone. At the same time, I reject potential sources for affection because I am: too picky, afraid of the consequences, unable to voice my feelings and terrified that I am reading something into the relationship that isn't there. My ability to self-diagnose depression, also gives me good empathic insight into the feelings of others. It was not a surprise when my last boyfriend broke up with me. I had been expecting it for three weeks. Despite this, I was unable to create the mental barriers need to prevent myself from collapsing into a depressive cycle that lasted two months. In some ways, I think I want to be depressed. It would be wrong of me to say that I don't enjoy the resultant drama. I pretended to be drunk to elicit interesting responses from my recent ex. And I live for other people's drama. When it comes down to it, I am an emotional vampire, thriving on drama and craving love.

A friend of mine told me he was bisexual yesterday. After the initial surprise, I found myself evaluating him in terms of a potential relationship. This disgusted me so much that I had to go take a shower. Am I that much of a pathetic vampire that I would use my friend's confidence in me to feed my own addiction to romance? I don't know where this will go, but we've been talking and for better or worse, there is a new dimension to our relationship and I can't help but feel that there is now a layer of sexual tension between us. It could just be me. I do that a lot.

So it's 6:30 in the morning. I've been up for the better part of four hours, writing and listening to my Break-Up mix. I am no closer to understanding the strange turn of events that happened yesterday. I'm not even sure that there is a cogent idea in the above rambling. But I feel the need to put it out there for people to see. You probably don't care about my little dramas or my extreme psychosis or even that I'm putting this out there for the world to see. But here it is. And the fact is, that even if you don't care about me, there are parts of this reflection that you can relate to. My life might be a bit complicated right now, but yours might have been ten times as confusing at some point. Who knows? Maybe you're going through the exact same things as me.

It has been said that “Words do not solve problems, actions do.” But words are the fabric that bind our minds together. The descriptions and ties that bind us to this world and give us a real, valid existence. So I write things down; to give myself location and direction, to learn more about myself, to say things that I might not normally say. I hope whoever reads this can learn something, not about me but about themselves. That would make everything worthwhile.

Muah!
Lyrinoir