Here and gone again

I have been trying to think about what to write for about a week. I've started three entries and left them either half complete or without substance. So in the vein of the best writers, when faced by writers block, I am attempting to put substance to what is keeping me from putting pen to proverbial paper.

Not that I use pen or paper anymore.

I have a feeling that what the whole thing boils down to is my extreme anger at myself. But one cannot simply put the solution to the problem on paper and expect it to mean the same thing as writing out the whole problem. So let's start at a beginning. As with all personal drama from the past month, a logical beginning is my breakup. I've moved sideways from being angry at Aaron for cheating on me and leaving me to being angry at myself for being unable to let go. I finally did myself the favor of deleting him from everything (a full month after it should have happened and after I told everyone I had done it.) including my cellphone. Now all I have to do is forget the things that I still remember and the hard part will be over. But the fact remain that despite my (admittedly recent) shift in attitude, I still can't shake the worst of the experience and I am left with this blistering sore in the core of my being that is a conflicted array of hate, love, disgust and fondness.

“If I said 'I want you back' I'd be a lier.
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore.
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire,
and every night I can't help reaching out for more.
And I can't sleep.”

I also have found myself furious with my inability to deal with deal with more daily things like finding a job over winter break or handling my personal finances. Part of this was me withdrawing from the world because I really didn't want to deal with it or with how depressed I had become again. But part of me just is really bad at dealing with the bureaucracy involved with the system. What I am discovering is that raw, untrained intellect is very bad at dealing with organized systems. You need very detailed training to out think a form or a telephone system. This is in contrast to what schools try to teach, namely that any situation can be resolved when approached with the right frame of mind. Of course, I could just be bad at it, but I'd like to think I'm not alone in my tribulations.

Despite my rationalization of recent events, I still find myself unable to come up with a convincing reason as to why I can't deal with things and write about something other than my own issues. I am aware that I, like everyone else, am a inherently selfish person who ultimately only cares about himself and his own wellbeing. Still, I want to believe I can overcome these obstacles and write something that really speaks to my readers and gets them to think about things in new ways.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Lyrics from the Album “Tri-State” by Above and Beyond

Comments on V

I am watching V for Vendetta. It's the third time I've seen it and every time I watch it, I enjoy it more. Tonight, I focused on the story about Valerie. She was the woman who wrote her autobiography on toilet paper while being held by the government.

“Our integrity sells for so little, yet it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us, but in that inch, we are free.”

I find myself completely unable to relate to Evey's brush with prison and torture but Valerie's story of oppression by government and the loss of love strikes disturbingly close to home. She ends her tale by saying that she loves Evey in the specific but also that she loves anyone who would read the letter. I immediately disappoint myself by remembering that I harbor a bitter hatred and nothing short of a near death experience could change that. And, I realize that perhaps a near death experience is needed to finally appreciate life.

Such an experience cannot be created by the self. Suicide is an essentially selfish act and cannot produce truth. No, what is needed is oppression and hate to the point of the destruction of the superficial layers of our personalities until all that is left is a core that surpasses hate and retribution by embracing them and coming out on the other side. A core that is free of hate and fear.

I doubt that anyone who I know could archive such a state, even under torture. It would require perfect knowledge of the self and more importantly a perfect ego, unencumbered by belief of personal superiority, while simultaneously secure in the knowledge that he or she is, in fact, right about everything. Such a personality probably cannot exist.

Humans are, as the movie points out, sheep. Easily lead and organized by anyone with more than an ounce of charisma. We are orchestrated by those with the ability to lead and we do not realize it. Like dominoes in V's chain, people can be set up and lead to do exactly what they are told to do without them even knowing they were told to do it.

But the fact remains that even those in power, are subject to the effects of other people. V falls for Evey and his message is changed by that love. Love is, perhaps, the only factor in the world that can effect real change. Choices can only be overturned by love and love is the only thing that can obscure rationality and logic. Even hate cannot override the senses like love can. And hate is, of course, nothing more than another form of love.

“God is in the rain”

I am a romantic. Above all else, I believe in love. I cannot love right now. It still hurts too much to. But the world is made and destroyed by people like me. And the people like me are everywhere. We are overdue a revolution and while I am no position to effect one, I stand for those who are. And in my own small way, I will change things. Things that I can change.

Beware those who have had their hearts broken, for they are the ones who shape the world while never being seen. And we shall destroy those who have done us wrong.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

New Year 2.0

The New Year inevitably depresses me. Yeah, there's the promise of a fresh start and new beginning but I always end up thinking about what I could have done differently. There are always mistakes that should have been corrected or could have been avoided. Little stupid things that happened because I was being my stubborn self. That being said, we all do thing that are stupid and life goes on. I'm not trying to play up my mistakes as bigger or more life-destroying than anyone else's. But we have regrets and even when confronted with a brand new year, we still dwell on the mistakes of the past.

Which leads to resolutions. Those annoying little changes you promise yourself you're going to make in the year to come. Of course, the American resolution is “to lose weight.” And by February 10th, more than 90% of the people who make this resolution, have forgotten it. And when January comes round again, they go and make the resolution again. It's a terrible cycle

So I'm recommending a new resolution. Don't make one. Life is about making mistakes. I sure as hell made a bunch this year but I don't think I'd change a thing. You live and learn. You learn that even if you could have been the perfect person, even if you did everything you could, sometimes, it isn't enough. You learn that moving on is tough. But you do learn how to and you do. So don't dwell on the past. Stand up and take that step forward to free yourself from the past and the junk that tries to bog you down.

It's time to face the new, without the old.

Muah!
Lyrinoir