Lies

Humans build their existence out of their memories. This is one of the most fundamental truths of the so-called “Human Condition.” It colors every other aspect of our lives. Memory is easily altered by time and later events. So we base our lives on lies or misunderstandings.

I was recently asked why I would consider myself a lier. After thinking about it, I said it came down to me not trusting the rest of humanity on a very fundamental level. However, I've since spent some serious amount of time contemplating the question and I arrived at the following conclusion;

Because there is no foundation for our existence other than the memories in our minds and the reflections of those memories in others that experienced them, there is no reason to hold onto the past as a source of absolute truth. That is to say, the truth from my point of view could be viewed as a lie by someone else or everyone else. Then, isn't my version of the truth nothing more than a lie?

Of course, it would be pointless to assume the world is completely separate from our memories. Such an existence would be devoid of all meaning. But that doesn't mean we have the right to assume that our memories are the be all and end all of reality. If you hold this as the truth of the world, such trivial things such as the truth and lies are trivial.

This is not to say that I am excused in telling lies. Just that such lies are trivial compared to the lie that we live everyday. I lie because trusting people is hard for me on a personal level. So I seek to control them and manipulate their emotions. I'm very good at it. Most of the time. Lately, things have gone Topsy-turvy and I've found myself in an unusual situation, but so it goes. I think I've made a new friend and maybe found someone I can really trust on some level. In some ways, such people are even more precious than those you love.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

A few thoughts on Homosexuality

Today is the National Day of Silence, a observation of the suffering imposed on the thousands of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered who are forced to remain silent about themselves in order to exist in society. As movements go, the DoS is pretty backwards. Sorta like the opposite of National Coming Out Day, those who are out of the closet (or just supportive) are encouraged to remain silent. I personally think that a day of drag queens shouting at the top of their collective lungs would strike a stronger chord but who am I to argue with those who run the GSAs and other such organizations.

After all, some form of protest is better than none at all.

But the DoS prompted me to examine my own feelings about being homosexual and the culture of homosexuality. It struck me that homosexuality specifically, and deviant sexuality in general, are products of a thriving species. Lets face it, being gay is not a strong survival trait. So a species that has a large number of homosexual individuals must be out of danger of extinction. Which fits with humanity.

We live in an era of acceptance. Sure, there are still lots of people who hate or fear sexual deviants but, at least in America, there are more places that will accept and welcome gays than those that won't. Most gay teenagers don't have terrible lives and the number of severe gay hate crimes has dropped dramatically. Not to say that everything is peachy keen, but things are better than they have ever been since Sparta.

At the same time, I've pretty much given up on ever being considered 'normal.' I wasn't exactly looking for normalcy to be sure, but at the same time, it would be nice to be considered normal, including the fact that I'm gay. As it is, I'll always be the 'victim' of off color jokes and the teasing of drunk friends. Such behavior does not really bother me enough to make a big fuss about it.

Of course, I don't really relate to most of 'gay America.' I find most homosexual men to be to vapid and shallow in public to make me want to get to know them. And lesbians either love me or hate me. Don't even get me started on bisexuals. So when I'm being silent today for the Homosexual Agenda, I'm really being silent for those people who can't be comfortable in their own skin. For anyone who has felt left out by their own social groups. For everyone who feels like they can't talk to anyone. Because that silence is the most painful of all.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Reset

So it's been a while since I put typeface to digital screen and a lot has happened, both good and bad. And I find I don't really care. Between drama, random moments of drunkenness and school there is just too much crap going on for me to even think about focusing on the past. That being said, I am stuck reliving the past two months or so, trying to pin down when things got crazy.

This shouldn't make any sense at all. And it doesn't. The fact is, that despite my positive attitude, everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did. And now I have to pick up the pieces. I've been trying to condense my thoughts on this for a few days now but every time I start one of these I either end up crying or lose track of where I was going.

I've noticed that while a person can go for many years without a relationship of any significant value, once you start one, they have a horrible tendency to crop up one after another. In my case, it's been a downhill trend. End one and something else happens. Nothing can be simple.

Of course, not all is doom and gloom. We're rapidly approaching the end of the school year and the projects and tests are lurking around the corner to stomp on my face, but for the moment, I have a brief reprieve from school stress. If I was smart, I'd be working on my next lighting project but, as I have mentioned, I'm not terribly good at being smart right now.

I am currently in extreme emotional and physical pain. Emotional for the obvious reasons and physical because I have come down with a nasty bug. I'm really tired of hurting. Everyone feels pain throughout their lives. Some people ignore it and can still function. Others use friends and family to dull the ache and keep moving on. I use my pain to help others get through theirs. But I don't have anyone to help me get through mine. Or, more accurately, I reject help from others because I don't talk about my problems.

I've been incredibly stupid. I owe a number of people apologies. I need to make up with others. And I need to open my eyes for once and remember just how many people are worried about me. How many people care.

This will be the last entry for a while. Maybe the rest of the school year. I need to work through things and stop being so dark. Or all you'll read here is this depressive shit.

Lyrinoir