Something Ventured...

Things Occupying My Time

2008-08-11T09:32:00.003-05:00

So Something Ventured has been kinda quiet for a month or so now and I felt that I owed my (very small) readership an explanation. I've been working on a number of side projects these past few weeks, including a pair of open ended storylines that could be construed as proto-novels, and my Anime review blog, LABNotes.

Combine this with the moving back to school transition, and you have a fair amount work and not a lot of time for pleasure blogging. Not that my side projects aren't for pleasure, just that it's a different sort of fun than pure philosophical rhetoric.

And who doesn't love rhetoric?

Anyway, if you want to keep tabs on my Anime viewings, check out LABNotes. I've been told my reviews are pretty good, if a bit wordy. And I might get around to posting some stuff from my two fiction projects if I feel that they merit it. Anyway, Bon Chance

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Yes They... Can?

2008-06-29T01:01:00.002-05:00

I'm going to preface this entry by saying that I am not a student of political science, nor am I an expert on how campaigns are supposed to be run. These are just the observations of an educated student.

I attended a home meeting for the Obama presidential campaign today. It was hosted by an old friend of the family and I was sort of bullied into attendance. However, I had spent most of the primary season divorced from politics because I very quickly got tired of the Clinton vs. Obama grudge match. So I took this as a good opportunity to get caught up on the political climate.

Aside from the utter stupidity that was the Democrat's primary season, I didn't know much about Obama. I was originally a Clinton supporter, because of her strong stance on health care, which I very much support. I expected this little house meeting to brief its attendance on exactly what platforms Obama was choosing to focus on in the coming months.

But what actually happened was a half-hour ramble on why Obama's campaign is so strong. It became increasingly clear as the meeting went on, that Obama intends to run his entire presidential campaign, on the strength of his primary campaign. That is to say, there was no content in the meeting whatsoever. If he is elected, it will be based solely on the fact that he generated a 'grass roots' support group in the primary, who's entire goal was to elect any democrat to office.

Obama has been criticized by the media for not having strong stances on major issues and not having the sort of voting record that would establish his commitment to any causes. However, I did not quite realize that these deficits were forcing him to run a hollow campaign. There is no substance, on the local level, behind Obama. And while his publicists can spin him into positive positions on almost any issue, there really isn't anything that the average voter can get behind.

Which is not to say that I will not be voting for Obama come November 2^nd. While McCain's stance on the environment is refreshing from the Right, Obama's declared democratic leanings align more closely with my beliefs. But this is no excuse for the utter lack of substance that Obama is presenting. A man's intellect and articulation can only take a nation so far. But without stronger stances on the issues and clear goals for his term in office, the nation might as well be electing Jim Carry.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Darker than black

2008-06-02T04:23:00.000-05:00

Somewhere deep inside me is a sane person. Someday, someone will get to talk to him.

There's something very primal about real darkness. Not city darkness, because that is just shadows and absences. But real darkness has a presence. It has a physicality.

In a forest, the dark is a gentle unknown, full of mystery, a dash of fear and the joy of being in a place so full of life. In a theater, the black is blank canvas, waiting for a splash of light to illuminate something out of the imagination. In the middle of the ocean, the darkness is a crushing blanket, pressing you to the surface of the sea.

I've long since ceased to be afraid of the dark. I know too much about it to let if frighten me anymore. Sometimes I'll let myself be afraid of whats in the dark, but that is a different matter entirely. And yet, there is something truly terrifying about the dark of an empty house.

I'm not talking about Home Alone scared, or even horror movie terrified. I'm talking about that deeply seeded primal fear of death that unconsciously haunts each and every one of us who know what death is like. The ones who have gone past the place where we still think we're immortal.

Mind you, I don't think I'm about to keel over dead in my sleep. It's just this sense that has been flirting with my conscious mind in the wee hours of the morning/night when I should be sleeping. I've never liked being alone. I fill the void with music or a good book or the electronic comfort of my computer. Preferably two of the three. But in the dark of the night, the oppressive absence crushes back in on me.

Hmm...

Well, that was depressing.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Review and Thoughts: Revelation Space

2008-05-31T05:25:00.001-05:00

It is rare that a book, or anything for that matter drives me to the point of staying up three or four hours past the point when I was going to go to sleep in order to finish it. It is even rarer for that same book to do so for more than three nights. And it is downright unheard of that said book would then force me out of bed and back to the warm glow of my laptop to write about it.

This being said, Alastair Reynolds' Revelation Space is one of these rare, gripping books. Not only is it well written, it is a compelling and somehow realistic vision of a future that may not be so far off.

My penchant for Sci-Fi Opera aside, the book asks some very pointed questions about the nature of humanity, what makes us individuals and, surprisingly, the fate of a soul after death. In the best traditions of philosophical fiction, the book provides no real answers, but merely a collection of 'facts' that the denizens of the world have to deal with.

My favorite example of philosophical fiction is still the Anime classic, Ghost in the Shell. The single most influential piece of artwork to come out of Japan, with the possible exception of Akira, shares a lot with my latest mind-snaring obsession.

In both universes, cyberization, (or Chimerics as Reynolds titles them) has become extensive, and human personalities can be scribed to massive computer simulations, the most advanced of which confer a sort of digital immortality, if at the cost of one's real body. The line between the digital reality and the visceral reality that we know is clearly marked, but the lines drawn between program and human are becoming distressingly blurred.

Ghost in the Shell was years ahead of its time when it addressed these concerns back in 1989 when it pioneered the genre of cyberpunk along with the 1984 novel Neuromancer by William Gibson. Yet both of these genre defining works are rich with some of the moral and ethical problems arising in 2008. Reynolds writes his version of the future from the much more recent year 2000, but updates surprisingly little of the digital setting. While his future is decidedly more space flavored, the same tenants of virtual vs. real are still there.

Of course, it will be year before one of us is forced to make the decision to back up a parent (or ourselves) to a machine, but the line between the digital and real is becoming ragged even now. Even as I write this, entire relationships are unfolding in cyberspace, between people who have not met and probably never will. Communication boils down to texting and instant messaging, and phone calls, once considered inadequate for real personal communication, are becoming the new kind of formal lunch.

It's easy to draw that invisible line and say that, sure things are moving a little fast today, but cyborgs and AI are generations away. What's to worry about? And I'm not saying that we need to worry about it now, or even at all. But the world is changing in drastic and sudden ways. We have a responsibility to society and ourselves to monitor the changes we experience and figure out if we're using the technology, or it's using us.

From my perspective, I'm as much a victim of the future as anyone else. I mean, I'm up at 4:30 blogging about a book. Does that seem right to you?

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on.

2008-05-16T14:28:00.000-05:00

Well, the school year ended abruptly and without much fanfare. I'm glad it's over. Now I get to start working on next semester.

And start writing again. Between huge, last second papers and an equally huge last second stage management job that literally ate two days of my life, I haven't had much time to write anything. And I wanted to.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to provide music for the end of year party for the theater department gang. The party, called Debacle, was my second attempt at DJing an event, even if it wasn't so much DJing as it was picking out a playlist and plugging my iPod in. But it was a lot of fun and the party was widely considered to be a success.

Backstory in place, I thought I'd take a post to write about the process of selecting music. It's not something that is easy to do and when you're trying to condense over 2400 hours of music into a 5 or 6 hour playlist, some stuff is going to hit the cutting room floor.

My process went a little something like this:

1: Theme. I like dance music. I like it a lot. Techno, Trance, Electronica, straight up Dance and especially House music. Which is great, but most of the people out there don't have a real appreciation of it. Some days, I can't say I blame them. There's a lot of crap out there to work though before you find the real gems that make up a good dance playlist. So I had to temper my list with some more mainstream rock and pop.

Of course, thematically, there isn't a lot of difference between pop and dance, but sometimes familiarity is enough to capture an audience and let them slip into some less familiar territory.

One place I won't go is rap. I do have a lot of respect for R&B and the original rap culture, but contemporary rap is simplistic, over-produced (and yes, I say that being a fan of electronica) and vulgar. It's not good for real dancing, with a few exceptions.

2: Tone. I think a lot of the problem that plagues dance halls these days is the overwhelming drive towards sex. Not that sex is bad or needs to be repressed, but a party should be about having fun in the moment, not driving people into each other. Of course, a lot of the music I ended up playing is also about sex or love, but the tone behind the music can do a lot to change the way the energy of the room moves.

Of course, there's nothing I can do about how some people behave, but if the crowed is mostly dancing or singing along, rather than grinding and making out, I think it's a huge success. Music is supposed to be fun, and I try to focus in on that fun rather than just giving into sex.

3: Style. DJing is as much about your own style as it is providing music for the masses. And to that end, while I did temper the theme of the list, the music is dominated by my love of House music and rocking dance beats. It's happy. It's peppy. It's a little gay but it's all me. And a little bit of my friends who reminded me about awesome songs I didn't have in my library.

I don't listen to music that a lot of other people listen to, but that just makes the dancefloor a more interesting place. I'll post the playlist I used for the party in a little bit, as soon as I figure out how to make it text again.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Connections

2008-03-24T11:08:00.002-05:00

It's rare that I have multiple blog entries on queue. But my trip to Texas over spring break was full of a number of unusual events, which prompted me to get started writing again, and given my recent dearth of posts, it has been coming.

While I was in Houston, I had the rare opportunity to meet a few of the people who make up my World of Warcraft guild, Legends. I met the players behind my Guild Leader, and two of the more prominent members of the guild. I had been meaning to make time for this during one of my annual Thanksgiving trips, but it had never worked out and the convention provided me with the perfect excuse to work out a meeting.

Now, some of you are saying, "What the hell are you thinking? You've never met these people before. They could kill you!" But the truth is, I do know these people, just over a different medium. The Guild system in WoW requires a great deal of time commitment in the upper echelons, which our guild, Legends, is definitely a member of. I have spent many a fond hour with all of the people I met on my trip and meeting them face to face was exciting, if not terribly new.

We were like old friends who hadn't seen each other for a while.

Not to wax philosophical, but the encounter was a really good example of how much modern communication, in this case over the VOIP system of Ventrilo, has brought people from across the nation together. Not in any grand, meaningful way, but just as friends. I don't think that it is a replacement for real human contact, but it isn't the horrible substitute your parents think it is.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Updated, related, inundated and elated

2008-03-22T23:02:00.003-05:00

Ok. Life's been busy. Really busy. Hamlet wrapped up nicely. (only one major tantrum on my part) School started sorting itself out. (Ok, that's a lie, but I'm working on it) Spring break was a relaxing and interesting diversion. (... also a lie.) And I'm ready for whatever life has to throw at me.

LIES!

I took the week of spring break to travel down to my sometime stomping ground of Houston, Texas for the United States Institute of Theater Technology (USITT) conference. It was... awesome in a life draining, bone weakening sort of way. It's long for one thing. A full four days demanding at least eight hours each, if not more (I pulled nearly 13 on Thursday) and I threw in a couple of random commitments both scholarly and not.

The actual conference was very, and I do not like to use this word, cool. There's something about LED lights that just grabs my logic and defenestrates it. (Just making up for cool) And now that the industry is starting to go, "Huh, these aren't completely useless" there is a lot more buzz about them. The first thing you saw when you walked into the exhibition hall was a pair of large, low-rez LED tube screens looking like the coolest concert you never saw.

Please pardon the techno-geek drool. It doesn't stain, I promise.

I was lucky to have family in the Houston area. It saved me the trouble of having to room in the hotel with the rest of the group from my school. Not that I don't like them, but I have a personal thing about consuming $250 worth of alcohol on an ostensibly school run trip. And that was the professors.

Now, normally, I have the patience of a small child when it comes to elderly relatives, but fortunately, my great aunt is nothing like most women her age, let alone the women her age in Texas. She's a feisty liberal ex-hippie socialite who has got to be pushing 80, though I would never dare ask her age. She owns a lovely flat not six blocks from the convention center and living with her for a week is more like a candy coated candy than the somewhat bitter cough drop that most people expect.

Which brings me to the Swag! One of the pleasant bonuses of the convention, aside from all of the distributing of business cards and the making of good impressions, was the large quantity of free stuff I acquired. Three, very high quality bags with acceptable corporate logos, a half-dozen lanyards, four fully up-to-date Gel books, (it's a lighting thing)a bright red leather bound notepad, and a metric ton of nifty literature on everything from branch circuits to wallbox assemblies. And a t-shirt!

I don't really know where it's all going, but I'm happy to have it.

And that was spring break. Except for those other things.

Which get their own post. At some point

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Too Busy?

2008-02-23T09:13:00.002-06:00

So in the past few weeks, I've found myself so incredibly busy that any facsimile of a personal life that I had, has pretty much evaporated. Replaced with my new project, Master Electrician for Hamlet, and to a lesser degree, school work.

In a moment of lucidity last night, I came to the realization that I hadn't thought about romance in quite a while. For me this is a strange thing, not because I am obsessed with love, but because it is something that fascinates me, especially in myself. So I frequently make time to reflect on how I'm feeling.

It occurred to me, that the busy schedule, while complicating my life immensely, had also simplified it, by removing all traces of normal human emotion from my daily life. In retrospect, I think this is both a good and a bad thing.

On the one hand, being able to focus on work for two weeks was essential, both for myself and for the projects I was working on. In addition, I feel that at the moment, I have achieved some every sought after perspective on a number of things.

As for the bad, not taking the time to analyze myself has left me a bit blind to my own emotional state. Something that reared it's head on Thursday during our Tech run. I locked myself into an emotionless robot mode to prevent a great deal of unpleasant anger and even rage from disrupting the process.

I like living simply, but if you don't take the time to do the little complicated things that keep you going, they can come back and bite you in the ass.

I guess I've also found myself hitting the Valentine's Day blues about a week and a half late, mostly because I was too busy during the actual holiday to register the unpleasant sensation of being single again. It's not a bad feeling. Just a sobering one.

On a completely separate note, this entry marks my 100th post onto this blog. As milestones go, it's not much, but I guess I'm happy to have reached it. Thanks for reading.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Sicko

2008-01-15T22:51:00.000-06:00

Regardless of what anyone else says, Michale Moore does make a good film. All one has to do is look at Sicko, his most recent documentary, to see that. The movie is sarcastic, insulting and dark yet somehow manages to evoke some of the strongest feelings of sympathy I have ever felt at a movie. It's a bittersweet catharsis the like of which I haven't felt since watching Bowling for Columbine.

I'm from Colorado so it was no surprise that I would connect to that particular work by the inflammatory documentarian. But one aspect of his film making always bothered me. His method of interviewing people who were antagonistic to his cause. When he practically assaulted U.S. congressmen and representatives for his Fahrenheit 911 movie, I almost disregarded his entire point.

Sicko has none of these inflammatory interviews, and even though his brand of sarcasm is easy to misinterpret, especially when he is interviewing French speaking Parisians, it's hard to hold it against him considering how insane some of his topics of conversation become. He does a good job of expressing the benefits of Socialized medicine in a good manner. Admittedly, he does miss a few key facts, like Cuban doctors earning less than Cuban bartenders, but his movie hits some very impressive key points.

Of course, the master of dark humor couldn't help getting one last parting shot in. The owner and operator of MooreWatch.com was recently forced to begin to close his site down due to the illness and subsequent health care issues of his wife. Moore, in a brilliant display of black generosity (the practice of doing good deeds to make others feel inferior or stupid, rather than for the purpose of helping people), donated the cost of the health bill anonymously. He may not be able to get away from his need to make people feel stupid, but at least he's doing some good while he's at it.

Sicko was an eye-opener, but it deserves more research and SHOULD NOT be taken at face value. Certainly I have been a longtime supporter of Socializing health care, ever since a trip to France in 8^th grade. And I am proud to say that I would vote for Hillery R. Clinton, if only for that reason. But Sicko is exactly the kind of inflammatory brilliance that could make a nation stand up and take notice of the problems that plague this 'great' nation.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Alice (Experiments) in Wonderland: Day 3

2008-01-05T01:05:00.000-06:00

Looooong day. Stayed up way too late and got up even earlier. We rerouted all of the Digital feed through a pair of converter boxes. Digital mumbo-jumbo aside, we accomplished almost nothing other than cutting down the amount of cable being used by about 25%. Not bad, but nothing to boast about.

I got started on the lighting design, but until the new projection screens get here, I'm stuck on that front too. Of course, it took several hours to realize this.

Tomorrow is just a work day. Maybe we can get something done.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Alice (Experiments) in Wonderland: Day 2

2008-01-03T18:54:00.001-06:00

Well the computers are all set up and the system was ready for a connectivity test when the directors decided to put it off until tomorrow. Which ultimately is good because the sound system is all kinds of messed up at the moment and one of the speakers isn't working.

I felt sort of bad about my minions today, if only because I didn't have a lot for them to do. Computers are really a one or two person job at most, at least at the scale we're working on. But I've started teaching them how things work and soon I won't have to do anything anymore! Hopefully.

Now I can start turning my attention to the lighting aspects of the show. I'd have hung them already, but our screens haven't shown up yet so I'm not sure exactly how everything is going to work out.

In the meantime, I found a wonderful little diversion in the form of a mass market paperback called The Looking Glass Wars. It's a little reworking of Lewis Carroll's original world. The writing is twitchy at best and downright overworked and redundant at worst, but it's an enjoyable read that's taking my mind off the real 4lice.

Alice (Experiments) in Wonderland: Day 1

2008-01-02T17:48:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day of Alice Early Back. For those of you who are unfamiliar with college theater, the first show in the semester generally starts rehearsals before classes are back in session, to let the actors work without the stress of homework and tests. And so the designers have a large, unpaid labor force to put the show together. This is an excellent arrangement.

I'm the lighting designer for our site. And the Master Electrician. And the newly appointed IT (internet technology) guy. Which means I have a little crew of minions who have to do my bidding. It's a sweet gig.

That being said, I have a lot of work to get done in not a lot of time. We moved all the random junk out of the Lab Theater today and started setting up the new boards and computers that will be needed for the production.

Alice (or 4lice as I've started referring to it) is an inter-medial production linking three theaters on three different campuses together via Internet 2 hookups. Screens at each location display the events of the other two locations, as well as showing each site's off-stage green-screen set. The process isn't horrifically complex but it's not simple either. There's a whole lot that can go wrong and we only have two weeks to get everything shipshape.

Wish me luck

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Another New Year

2008-01-01T06:23:00.000-06:00

Another new year has come and another old year has gone. I can't say that everything is fine, but even if its just for a few hours that really does not matter. I'm headed back to school early this time around to get started early early and maybe do better in life.

Regardless of reality, I hope that my readership is enjoying the new beginnings that a new year can offer them. I'm certainly going to. Best wishes and good luck.

For those of you who have regrets, throw them away and try to live life for today. Few things are as refreshing as our culture's arbitrary reset of the world every 364 days.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

All those Red Alerts, all that dancing

2007-12-18T13:01:00.000-06:00

I've been busy. Busy doing work. Busy getting into trouble. And busy being stupid. Its been great. Sorta.

School has been keeping me on my toes in more ways than one. Between finals, final projects and just plain old theater work, I haven't had time to take a breath let alone time to blog. And yet, I somehow have made time to get myself snared into more socio-political drama than I care to deal with. Between me being stupid and me being drunk, I have courted disaster on several fronts.

But what would life be without my deliberately unbalancing myself.

The combination of a hopeless romantic and a die hard cynic is a strange one, but it seems to describe my current situation quite well. Between wanting to cultivate a relationship with someone who I believe can understand me, and despising humanity on the principle that no one can possibly understand anyone, I'm sort of up the creek without the philosophical paddle.

And I've done a damn good job of alienating the precious few that seem to care about me and try to deal with my eccentricities. Pushing away those who push too far and pulling the ones who don't want to get close, in.

It has always been a dance, and I, historically, cannot deal with my personal choreography. I can direct the rest of the dance, and have the orchestra playing my song, but as soon as I try to join the dance, I trip and unbalance the entire show.

Don't really know where I'm going with this though.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

On why I am a Terrible Person

2007-11-19T10:51:00.000-06:00

I owe a big “Thank You,” to Terry Pratchett for this one.

I, recently, have taken to frequently belittling myself and criticizing my personality flaws as a means of getting to know people. This was brought around by the realization that people are gullible. An example is needed.

I will call myself a terrible person and a consummate liar. Despite this, people trust me.

I and my roommate Adam were eating dinner with a group of fellow students affiliated with the University Honors program. During the dinner, I struck up a conversation with the people around us regarding the gullibility of people. I point out that when confronted by a street grifter, such as a man running a game of 'Find the Queen' or other such con, people try to play and win, despite the fact that we ALL know that we cannot win because the man is cheating. We either believe that we are more clever than the con-artist or, naively believe that he is an honest person.

I then go on to explain that I am, as I am, a terrible person and a complete liar. The next segment of the conversation between me and the girl across the table is best quoted.

Me: “I am a terrible person and a consummate liar. People like me. I can't explain why.”
Girl: “It's because you're so honest.”

To which I respond by letting lose a laugh so loud disturbed the entire establishment and Adam's head hit the table.

For those of you who don't read the most excellent works of Terry Prattchet, his most recent novel features a character named Moist Von Lipwig, a professional con-man who works on exactly this same principle. Thank you Mr. Pratchett

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Miracle In Rwanda.

2007-10-21T20:05:00.000-05:00

I just finished a stint working on the Miracle in Rwanda theater project. It's a nationally touring one woman show written and staged by Leslie Lewis Sword. The whole experience has been mind boggling.

We remade the show for the constraints of our stage in less than 24 hours, put on the first performance that night and played to a full house of wealthy benefactors. It was brilliant.

Then the shit hit the fan. The power went out about an hour before the curtain on Saturday, caused by a campus wide blackout. This lead to a series of interesting, and quite stressful moments in which we tried to stash 300 odd theater-goers into some sort of semblance of a stage so we could do something that could be considered, if no one was paying attention, a show.

Fortunately, power was restored to a nearby building with a lecture hall and we moved the entire production over for the night. It was... extreme.

Anyway, I'm exhausted.

If you're interested in the project or seeing if the show is headed your way, check out MiracleInRwanda.com. I heard that the review from the Peoria show will be up there in a few days.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Kaskade

2007-09-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

I freaking love Kaskade. Some explanation is needed.

Kaskade is a DJ formerly of Chicago and currently of Salt Lake City. He's made a name for himself producing and recording the subset of Electronica/Techno music called House. House is basically Techno out of the Chicago area which is heavily influenced by the soul and disco music common to the area. There are a whole mess of musical breakdowns that go into the categorization of House music but I'll keep it simply and say it's funky and midtempo (between 118 and 135 BPM).

Kaskade notably takes House in a slower, more soul-ish direction, adding things like a bassist and acoustic piano to a lot of his mixes. His vocal production is also to die for, deep and lyrical and evoking an emotional connection that a lot of dance misses. It's not exactly club music, but it is great to listen to.

It's great feel-good music and also great chill out stuff. Keeps me sane during my busy theater lifestyle.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Evangelion: Hope

2007-09-01T07:56:00.001-05:00

The first in a string of new movies that re-envision the animated classic, Shin Shiki Evangelion (Neon Genesis Evangelion for us Americans) was released in Japanese theaters less than 24 hours ago. Already, it is being hailed as the way the series should have been done and is breaking box office records in Japan.

NGE was a groundbreaking Anime series that received critical acclaim in the mid 90s for its radical and beautiful portrayal of the human condition. The series however was horrifically unfunded and the last two episodes inspired outright hatred from fans and cold reactions from critics because of their failure to satisfactorily end the story and they're highly stylized portrayal of human psychology.

Even the later release of four OVAs (or two movies) couldn't really redeem the series from the ignominious end. However, starting in 2000, the production studio GAINAX, which had profited so immensely from EVA, announced a project to reanimate a great deal of the series and clean it up. After the success of this project, the company decided to put into production a series of movies that would retell the story in a better way and with the budget it so richly deserved.

NGE was the show that got me hooked on anime. It was my initiation into a world that would dominate a portion of my life for years and still does. As it stands, I await the stateside release of the movies with breath held and hopes high.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Bodies in Motion

2007-08-29T21:25:00.000-05:00

From an objective point of view, things are going quite well. Systematically speaking... well... I quote from W.B. Yeats:

“Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.”

I don't think it is possible to have a more ominous beginning to a school year. I haven't gotten to the point where I want to give up and quit right now, but I can see the potential in the future.

Now I'm the first to admit that I have a bit of superstitious streak. Reality has conspired against me one two many times in the past few years for me not to be. And it's hard to ignore a line up like what has been dropped in my lap.

I'm really not at liberty to discuss all of what's happened, because a surprising amount of it didn't happen to me, but I still feel as if I'm in the center of Yeats' circle, waiting for the world to unravel around me.

It is a sequence of events that starts far away and creeps closer, unraveling order as it goes. Bodies in motion and the like. I guess, it would be wrong to say that it is the world conspiring against you. More as if you have found yourself in the center of a web that was spun for wholly different reason but sees no problem picking you up and going on it's merry way.

There is nothing more belittling than realizing that you are not at the center of a plot, but rather, just a hapless passerby who ended up in the eye of a hurricane.

More later
Lyrinoir

Acting

2007-08-06T23:49:00.001-05:00

I've been acting for years. Not just on the stage, but in everyday life. That really shouldn't come as much of a surprise. We all do it. Constantly. Even to ourselves sometimes. The fact of the matter is that no single person can feel comfortable being themselves in front of someone else. Simple and happy people have one or two personae that are very similar to their root self.

People who view themselves to be complicated, and who tend to be unhappy, have dozens of selves that can stand in for any conceivable situation. I consider myself in the latter category. Part of why we act is because we enjoy it. Deception is power. Power over the minds of others, and despite legions of radicals and hippies proclaiming otherwise, there is nothing more coveted by humans than power. So when I pretend to be the happy, almost sickeningly gay self that I use for most social interactions, it is because I enjoy tricking people into thinking that that facade is me.

Fear represents the other primary reason for acting. Fear of rejection or abandonment. I've never considered myself very prone to this particular fear, but I'd be foolish to believe that it isn't there. We all, as social creatures, need companionship and friendship some of the time, but when you tailor every facet of your persona to fit every situation and combination of people, it's easy to hold on to friends.

I act, because I enjoy it. Not just for the rush of power as you tailor your personal reality to match that of another, but for that feeling that I get when I tap into another aspect of my whole. I prefer to see the mass of tangled fakes and lies as a network. Together they make up the whole of my persona, that just happens to have more sides than a well cut diamond.

I don't think it is my place to tell people that this is a bad thing or a good thing. I do it. You do it. Everyone does it. The varying degrees that this is true define us just as much as anything else does. But I do find it amusing that those people who tell me they 'can't act' are generally the people who put on the biggest facades when their out with their friends.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Family

2007-07-05T23:33:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a big family wedding in Texas. These weddings are become more and more common, with one popping up about every six months. This one was between my second cousin and her boyfriend of more than six years.

The event was, of course, beautiful. Both families reached new peaks of culture and taste during the rehearsal dinner and the wedding and its reception. It was a mix of Texan high society and Latin vivaciousness. That really is the only way I can describe it.

But I got stuck on the toasts. It is a tradition in my family to give so many toasts during the rehearsal dinner that the point of the whole thing is lost. But this time was very different. There were only a few toasts and the Groom's toast was so moving that it literally ended the sequence.

Somewhere between that and the end of the evening, I was struck by the overwhelming love that my family has for each other. And, as I tend to do, I started thinking too much. The topic of the evening was weddings; specifically mine. Not that I plan on getting married. That would require a great deal of complicated arrangements. But, I can see myself in some sort of less official ceremony with at least some of my extended family present.

And, it struck me that despite my jokes and disdain for publicity, I might really like that. And even more surprising, for me anyway, was that I think my family would too. Or at least the greater majority would not miss such an event just because of my sexual preference. I know this really should not have surprised me as much as it did. My extended family has always been accepting of me, even if they don't bring it up.

I think I owe them all an apology. For underestimating them.
All my love

Lyrinoir

A shift in perspective

2007-06-29T01:55:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a potential unhealthy amount of thinking recently. One of the things that kept coming up was the idea of individuality. My train of thought went something like this:

Humans are unique >
We are unique because of our combination of interests and traits >
This is not the whole truth >
We are unique because of our unique connections to other people >
We create unique networks.

All of this landed me at one conclusion: The nature of the human connection is misconstrued. There is a lot of emphasis on the connection of love between people when the emphasis should be on the more ordinary connections between friends because it is these that define us as people. I find English to be inaccurate here. Greek is a better language because they had different words for the concept of 'love.' There was Eros, which is romantic/erotic love and Philia, which is love between close friends. We might use the words 'soul mate.'

My point is that we, as a culture, should focus more on the relationships of Philia than the relationships of Eros. Eros also as the concept of love in spite of flaws where Philia carries the concept of love because of flaws. It is in the nature of a friendship that both parties will come to accept and enjoy the difference between them. My best friend has always been quiet and a bit anti-social. I see these traits as flaws but that hasn't stopped us from being close friends to this day. In fact, I've come to admire his aloofness and separation from socio-politics. Not to the point where I would change myself, but to the point where I admit it's influence.

These connections are far more valuable than the fleeing connections of romance or even the lasting connection of a true love. The friends who we come to admire and respect become our greatest allies and champions, just as we become their loudest advocates. It's is this web of strong, interpersonal connections that make us truly unique.

I don't know what ramifications this will have on me or the future, but I do know that the only way to change the world is to change your mind about it. Having done that, the only solution to the unfolding equation is change.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

"Only This Moment"

2007-06-24T22:58:00.000-05:00

Random song lyrics. This time from Royksopp.

"Only This Moment"

Stay or forever go
Play or you’ll never know
Your spirit's divided
You will decide if I’m all you’ve been waiting for

Guilt in my head
Hath been parted by grace
by the voice of an angel
Revealing her face
And her words they make sense and I do understand,
Falling in love isn’t part of her plan
Forces within me, mix reason with lust
But I try to accept it and not make it worse
Cause I know I might lose you by taking the chance
But love without pain isn’t really romance
Okay

Only this moment
Holds us together
Close to perfection
Nothing is out there
Always beside her
Trusting my senses
Deep down inside
I know love will survive

Lyrinoir

Fire

2007-06-12T07:35:00.000-05:00

At 3:30 AM this morning, I was wakened by my apartment-mate, Jon with a call of, “Fire!” Primarily in a state of delirium at the time, I fell out of bed only to become painfully aware that I was wearing not a shred of clothing and that I could see an orange flicker through the blinds over my window. Donning the only appropriate garment I could manage to operate, my well worn, blue bathrobe, I spent a frantic thirty seconds locating my keys before jumping into my sandals and dashing toward the front door.

The apartment complex directly adjacent to mine was shooting flames from its top floor and roof. The brilliant orange glow suffused the surrounding area, as neighbors emerged from their homes in various states of consciousness. Jon emerged from the apartment, fully dressed, a few moments after me and we both crossed the street to watch the nightmare unfold. Firetrucks had already begun to arrive, but despite their reassuring presence, I was worried that the flames would jump ship and ignite our roof. A small pile of burning debris landed right outside my bedroom window.

At this point, I was substantially more awake than I had been in my room and I was beginning to wish I had had the wherewithal to grab some of my more expensive possessions. But it was far too late for me to even consider venturing back in even if the pile of burning rubble hadn't been so dangerously close to my window.

Two hours and much shivering later, the fire was extinguished with only smoke remaining. The nine firetrucks that had gathered were all still there, complimented by the Red Cross van that had showed up. I was still in my bathrobe, desperately trying to figure out if I could get back in my apartment, which was blessedly unharmed.

I want to say that the whole thing changed my perspective or something like that, but all I can really think about is how glad I am that it didn't happen to me. You see disasters in movies and watch how the actors respond to them and you think that if something like that happened to you, you'd be selfless and strong. But the reality is that humans are selfish bastards. Or at least I am.

I do feel bad. I had a friend who lived in the complex and most of his belongings are probably burnt or waterlogged. I can't imagine what he's going through.

For now, I'm going to try and get through the day and thank whatever beneficent forces saw fit to stop the fire two feet from my window.

Lyrinoir

The Dove (I will love you forever)

2007-05-12T02:52:00.000-05:00

Why can't he give him his love, no more again?
Tears on his face and the dove, he cries, he knows...
He won't be able to fly away from him,
He looks at red roses in spring
Now he won't be able to sing
The song of love

And then he questions the sun
"Oh Why, Why Me?"
The Sun doesn't answer
"Oh God, can you help me?"
"The answer is easy my love,
You built your own jail
You've always been part of the sky
So Why you keep staying by his side, away from me?"

He's a white dove, an angel in disguise
He fell in love with the man...
But this man won't give back his love
So this is his cry...

I'll be loving you forever and ever
I'll be  part of you in the way I do
Come into my life so I can see

*Adapted from Monica Bragato

Lyrinoir

Finals Week Spring '07

2007-05-08T15:37:00.000-05:00

Finals overload. Can't write anything that isn't a paper or a cue sheet

But, somehow, I'm having more fun right now than I have for the past four months. Stress is good?

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Lies

2007-04-24T01:38:00.001-05:00

Humans build their existence out of their memories. This is one of the most fundamental truths of the so-called “Human Condition.” It colors every other aspect of our lives. Memory is easily altered by time and later events. So we base our lives on lies or misunderstandings.

I was recently asked why I would consider myself a lier. After thinking about it, I said it came down to me not trusting the rest of humanity on a very fundamental level. However, I've since spent some serious amount of time contemplating the question and I arrived at the following conclusion;

Because there is no foundation for our existence other than the memories in our minds and the reflections of those memories in others that experienced them, there is no reason to hold onto the past as a source of absolute truth. That is to say, the truth from my point of view could be viewed as a lie by someone else or everyone else. Then, isn't my version of the truth nothing more than a lie?

Of course, it would be pointless to assume the world is completely separate from our memories. Such an existence would be devoid of all meaning. But that doesn't mean we have the right to assume that our memories are the be all and end all of reality. If you hold this as the truth of the world, such trivial things such as the truth and lies are trivial.

This is not to say that I am excused in telling lies. Just that such lies are trivial compared to the lie that we live everyday. I lie because trusting people is hard for me on a personal level. So I seek to control them and manipulate their emotions. I'm very good at it. Most of the time. Lately, things have gone Topsy-turvy and I've found myself in an unusual situation, but so it goes. I think I've made a new friend and maybe found someone I can really trust on some level. In some ways, such people are even more precious than those you love.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

A few thoughts on Homosexuality

2007-04-18T08:27:00.000-05:00

Today is the National Day of Silence, a observation of the suffering imposed on the thousands of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered who are forced to remain silent about themselves in order to exist in society. As movements go, the DoS is pretty backwards. Sorta like the opposite of National Coming Out Day, those who are out of the closet (or just supportive) are encouraged to remain silent. I personally think that a day of drag queens shouting at the top of their collective lungs would strike a stronger chord but who am I to argue with those who run the GSAs and other such organizations.

After all, some form of protest is better than none at all.

But the DoS prompted me to examine my own feelings about being homosexual and the culture of homosexuality. It struck me that homosexuality specifically, and deviant sexuality in general, are products of a thriving species. Lets face it, being gay is not a strong survival trait. So a species that has a large number of homosexual individuals must be out of danger of extinction. Which fits with humanity.

We live in an era of acceptance. Sure, there are still lots of people who hate or fear sexual deviants but, at least in America, there are more places that will accept and welcome gays than those that won't. Most gay teenagers don't have terrible lives and the number of severe gay hate crimes has dropped dramatically. Not to say that everything is peachy keen, but things are better than they have ever been since Sparta.

At the same time, I've pretty much given up on ever being considered 'normal.' I wasn't exactly looking for normalcy to be sure, but at the same time, it would be nice to be considered normal, including the fact that I'm gay. As it is, I'll always be the 'victim' of off color jokes and the teasing of drunk friends. Such behavior does not really bother me enough to make a big fuss about it.

Of course, I don't really relate to most of 'gay America.' I find most homosexual men to be to vapid and shallow in public to make me want to get to know them. And lesbians either love me or hate me. Don't even get me started on bisexuals. So when I'm being silent today for the Homosexual Agenda, I'm really being silent for those people who can't be comfortable in their own skin. For anyone who has felt left out by their own social groups. For everyone who feels like they can't talk to anyone. Because that silence is the most painful of all.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Reset

2007-04-17T07:36:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while since I put typeface to digital screen and a lot has happened, both good and bad. And I find I don't really care. Between drama, random moments of drunkenness and school there is just too much crap going on for me to even think about focusing on the past. That being said, I am stuck reliving the past two months or so, trying to pin down when things got crazy.

This shouldn't make any sense at all. And it doesn't. The fact is, that despite my positive attitude, everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did. And now I have to pick up the pieces. I've been trying to condense my thoughts on this for a few days now but every time I start one of these I either end up crying or lose track of where I was going.

I've noticed that while a person can go for many years without a relationship of any significant value, once you start one, they have a horrible tendency to crop up one after another. In my case, it's been a downhill trend. End one and something else happens. Nothing can be simple.

Of course, not all is doom and gloom. We're rapidly approaching the end of the school year and the projects and tests are lurking around the corner to stomp on my face, but for the moment, I have a brief reprieve from school stress. If I was smart, I'd be working on my next lighting project but, as I have mentioned, I'm not terribly good at being smart right now.

I am currently in extreme emotional and physical pain. Emotional for the obvious reasons and physical because I have come down with a nasty bug. I'm really tired of hurting. Everyone feels pain throughout their lives. Some people ignore it and can still function. Others use friends and family to dull the ache and keep moving on. I use my pain to help others get through theirs. But I don't have anyone to help me get through mine. Or, more accurately, I reject help from others because I don't talk about my problems.

I've been incredibly stupid. I owe a number of people apologies. I need to make up with others. And I need to open my eyes for once and remember just how many people are worried about me. How many people care.

This will be the last entry for a while. Maybe the rest of the school year. I need to work through things and stop being so dark. Or all you'll read here is this depressive shit.

Lyrinoir

LOUD SOUND and soft action

2007-03-29T18:22:00.000-05:00

I've taken to listening to very loud, emotional music. Not 'Emo' music, which has a tendency to get on my nerves and remind me of the Ex, but emotional music that plucks at my heartstrings. It can be techno, classical, pop or one of my genre defying songs. It just has to be loud and touching. Kaskade is one of my current favorites. Deep house with some excellent vocals and that occasional instrumental line that just hits your soul.

Reality has simplified itself in unexpected but not unpleasant ways. I get to keep a good friend and maybe gain something more for my month of hyperdrama. And I've been keeping myself busy with lots of design work in my lighting class. Which is why I've been listening to loud music.

We have a project in which we have to come up with a creative lighting show for a simple object accompanied by music. So I've been playing my music very loudly in the theater to get a feel for how the songs will sound in the space. The choice of songs has more to do with my still stabilizing mental state but the project is going really well so I'm not complaining.

Light is an interesting medium to work with. In this project, I find the artistry is more defined by my use of shadow rather than actual light. The song I picked, “Key of the Twilight” by my favorite Japanese composer, Yuki Kajiura, sort of dictated that shadows would play an important role in the piece but the more I messed around with the lights, the more it became clear that while my object was interesting, it was really much more interesting to see what really intense shadows could make it. I'm using a large picture book with some excellent illustrations and I have it opened so that you can see two pages depending on which side of the centerline you're sitting on. But when the back light comes up, you can't see any of the pictures anymore and the book is transformed into a chevron-shape that resembles a door. The effect is wonderful.

In life too, I'm finding things are becoming defined by what I'm not doing rather then the direct effort put into them. After trying to make a relationship work for a few weeks, it turns out that by giving up on it, I moved it to an entirely new place. It struck me that direct force is often not the solution to problems. Rather, you should apply some force, then step back and observe the results. Sometimes giving up is the best solution, in that it removes intensity from situations.

Fundamentally, life is a game of opposing forces and powers. If you keep pushing at someone who's pushing back at you, you'll never get anywhere. And if you're pushing at someone who's stopped pushing, you'll run them over. So take that moment and just let things happen. Sometimes, everything just turns out right.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

A Poem

2007-03-07T14:41:00.000-06:00

Well, it's getting put up everywhere else so it might as well go up here.

A Poem

6:40 AM

Siting outside at 6:40 AM
Sky suffused with gentle gray clouds
dripping wet tears.

I sit alone and not alone.
There is a woman next to me but she is
silent and reserved.
I make a comment on her timeless beauty
but she remains
silent and reserved.

Rebuked, I start to recite.
Not anything so formal as a poem
or strict as prose.
A mind's worth of ideas and thoughts poured
forth in an hour. Each concept falling on hard
ears as the raindrops splash on the concrete.

Distant, people stare at the two of us,
silent and loud, standing and sitting in
the rain as it washes away the traces of
what was said. I feel an echo in the
paths beneath my feet and stop
talking long enough to listen to the sounds
of history in the ground.

Tens of thousands of footsteps can be
heard across the landscape, each
echoed by a raindrop. “In an hour, as many
drops as footsteps,” I note to my silent companion.
And she remains.

I take to weeping as I have not done
in years. The tears fall down my face
not in sorrow, not in joy. I cry with the
sky.

In my heart, I am sitting with a woman
made of bronze, on a plinth. And I am thinking
about the things that I love and the things
I have lost. And knowing that she has seen
everything with unblinking eyes.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Sorrow

2007-02-27T15:15:00.000-06:00

Things have gotten inordinately complicated. Between potential relationships, personal drama, school work and looming depression, I feel happydrainedstressedsad. In that order. What really disgusts me is that despite the huge amount of things are going OK in my life, I am still managing to feel depressed.

MTV recently started running a series of PSAs (Public Service Announcements) on the dangers of depression. While some of them feel a little hoaky, the problem is real. Most medical journals say that about 16% of the population will experience clinical depressive states at some point in their lives and the number is rising. In addition are the growing number of people who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). MDD is a lot like Bipolar disorder except it lacks the manic, happy swing on the scale. MDD simply goes from neutral to depressed repeatedly.

I've suffered from depression for over eight years. Ever since my father passed away. It's had phases, ranging from the acute horror of suicide to the mild depression more commonly associated with 'Emo' culture. I'd have to say that recent events are moving me in the direction of the prior although I would even consider suicide ever again. But I'm definitely leaving the realm of, “It doesn't pay to get up in the morning.” and moving into the, “Dear gods, why am I here?” phase.

I'd like to take a moment to say again, that I am not feeling suicidal. I don't want a hundred phone calls telling me it's not worth it in the next few days. I'm just very down. And I have been for about three days now.

I guess if there were going to be a point to this, is you should all be careful to watch your friends. I would be a whole hell of a lot worse off if I didn't have a small army of people to talk to about most of my problems. But some people aren't as public with their emotions as I am. I've been lucky enough to never have a friend commit suicide but I can only imagine the horror involved for those who have. So keep an eye out. Watch for the signs. And please, be careful what you do to those you care about.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Words

2007-02-21T06:38:00.000-06:00

I sometimes feel the need to write things down. Not to put them out there for people to read, although that's what I generally do. But so that I can look at them and try to understand some of the things that are going on in my life. I am a strange person. I am perfectly aware that I am depressed. But at the same time, I am enjoying the greater emotional connections that this state grants me. I have recently realized that it hurts me to be in quiet places. Which is why I always have music with me when I'm not with people. My current depressive state was brought on by Valentine's Day and my contemplation of what it means to be in a relationship. I realized that I am not a good lover while simultaneously I am someone who knows how to be a good lover. Relationships aren't about the stupid things that add up on the outside but instead, a true and deep affection that transcends lust and trinkets. Love is the emotion that is left when you know everything about your partner, both good and bad, and you can accept it. I fall in love very quickly, which defies my own definition of the word. I am both hypocritical and stereotypical in this respect. So what I do is develop a deep affection for a person without really delving their deep personalities or problems. I also crave affection and love on a surface level to the point where I am desperate to find someone. At the same time, I reject potential sources for affection because I am: too picky, afraid of the consequences, unable to voice my feelings and terrified that I am reading something into the relationship that isn't there. My ability to self-diagnose depression, also gives me good empathic insight into the feelings of others. It was not a surprise when my last boyfriend broke up with me. I had been expecting it for three weeks. Despite this, I was unable to create the mental barriers need to prevent myself from collapsing into a depressive cycle that lasted two months. In some ways, I think I want to be depressed. It would be wrong of me to say that I don't enjoy the resultant drama. I pretended to be drunk to elicit interesting responses from my recent ex. And I live for other people's drama. When it comes down to it, I am an emotional vampire, thriving on drama and craving love.

A friend of mine told me he was bisexual yesterday. After the initial surprise, I found myself evaluating him in terms of a potential relationship. This disgusted me so much that I had to go take a shower. Am I that much of a pathetic vampire that I would use my friend's confidence in me to feed my own addiction to romance? I don't know where this will go, but we've been talking and for better or worse, there is a new dimension to our relationship and I can't help but feel that there is now a layer of sexual tension between us. It could just be me. I do that a lot.

So it's 6:30 in the morning. I've been up for the better part of four hours, writing and listening to my Break-Up mix. I am no closer to understanding the strange turn of events that happened yesterday. I'm not even sure that there is a cogent idea in the above rambling. But I feel the need to put it out there for people to see. You probably don't care about my little dramas or my extreme psychosis or even that I'm putting this out there for the world to see. But here it is. And the fact is, that even if you don't care about me, there are parts of this reflection that you can relate to. My life might be a bit complicated right now, but yours might have been ten times as confusing at some point. Who knows? Maybe you're going through the exact same things as me.

It has been said that “Words do not solve problems, actions do.” But words are the fabric that bind our minds together. The descriptions and ties that bind us to this world and give us a real, valid existence. So I write things down; to give myself location and direction, to learn more about myself, to say things that I might not normally say. I hope whoever reads this can learn something, not about me but about themselves. That would make everything worthwhile.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Playlist: Break Up with Style

2007-02-19T12:20:00.000-06:00

Rather than a formal entry, today I submit to you, a Playlist.
Subject: Breaking Up
Style: Electro/Pop

Tracks:
1.Losing You, Eiffel 65
2.Like the Desserts, Everything But the Girl
3.Can't Sleep, Above and Beyond
4.Kiss You Off, Scissor Sisters
5.Everythings Just Wonderful, Lily Allen
6.In My Memory, DJ Tiësto
7.Take Me Back to Your House, Basement Jaxx
8.Divine, Supreme Beings of Leisure
9.Not Big, Lily Allen
10.Since You've Been Gone (Jason Nevins Mix), Kelly Clarkson
11.Single ('06 Mix), Natasha Bedingfield
12.Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go), Garbage
13.I Move On, Chicago Soundtrack (Movie)
14.Smile (Mark Ronson Mix), Lily Allen
15.Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap

The Playlist runs the gamut from perky, 'Kiss Off' songs to heartfelt 'Missing You' tunes. The message is a little jumbled but the theme is clearly conveyed across the genres and the styles. I borrowed heavily from Lily Allen since breaking up seams to be her bailiwick and the rest just kinda came together. Losing You breaks the initial expectations of the playlist while setting up some of the later sad songs. Like the Desserts is a standby for any breakup list and Can't Sleep slides right in despite its Trance feel. Kiss You Off flips the mood and leads into Lily Allen's signature, 'screw you' breakup song. Heavy trance hit, In My Memory serves as the mellower for the Divine. Switch it back up for the Not Big, Since You've Been Gone and Single sequence that just scream “I will survive.” Cherry Lips is my personal theme song and I Move On fills the obligatory Showtune category. I love the remix of Smile to keep the feel-good vibe going while toning down the energy. Hide and Seek ties up the knots and leaves you refreshed and focused on the future.

You don't have to like it, but I do.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Happy Valentine's

2007-02-13T05:30:00.000-06:00

It is in the nature of those who are single to despise February. Valentine's Day is, at it's best, an expression of love and the oncoming warmth of spring. At it's worst, it is a crass commercial pseudo holiday based on the flimsy traditions of Chaucer and a great deal of marketing. I have always despised Valentine's Day, regardless of my personal relationship status. Something about the enforced nature of receiving the little cards in middle school. And there was always someone who got forgotten. Which is not to say that I begrudge the happy couples their night of romance and... whatever. I would probably be doing the same thing in different circumstances. I just really don't feel that a real relationship needs a horrible little holiday to keep the romance alive.

I guess I feel the same way about anniversaries in the long run. There just excuses to go out of your way to feel good about being in a relationship, when you should be going out of your way every day to keep the one that you love happy. Of course I'm not the expert. I barely even make the cut to write about this. But I'd like to think that I know a thing or two from watching more than one relationship spiral out of control.

So enjoy your holiday if you must but remember that tomorrow is even more precious today and that real love doesn't end the day after Valentine's.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

U.K. Distractions

2007-02-03T01:10:00.000-06:00

So I picked up Lily Allen's CD on iTunes. There's a bit of a story behind as to how I stumbled across Lily but it boils down to me absolutely loving anything that comes out of the U.K. The CD is wonderfully produced and Ms. Allen's lyrics are peppy and upbeat while seething with hate and distaste for boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and relationships in general. Wonderful stuff. I can't recommend this music enough. Think Natasha Bedingfield with a sarcastic edge and a little more urban flavor.

While we're on all things British, the second season of Doctor Who is brilliant even though the 10th Doctor is not the 9th and I don't think I'll ever love another one as much as I did Christopher Ecceleston's “Fantastic” Doctor. I won't go and spoil the ending of the season but I will say that the Doctor moves on to a new primary companion and while I'm sad to see Rose go, I have high hopes for the future of the franchise.

That's basically it. Nothing deep or dramatic today. Too much work going on to be dramatic.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Here and gone again

2007-01-27T14:18:00.000-06:00

I have been trying to think about what to write for about a week. I've started three entries and left them either half complete or without substance. So in the vein of the best writers, when faced by writers block, I am attempting to put substance to what is keeping me from putting pen to proverbial paper.

Not that I use pen or paper anymore.

I have a feeling that what the whole thing boils down to is my extreme anger at myself. But one cannot simply put the solution to the problem on paper and expect it to mean the same thing as writing out the whole problem. So let's start at a beginning. As with all personal drama from the past month, a logical beginning is my breakup. I've moved sideways from being angry at Aaron for cheating on me and leaving me to being angry at myself for being unable to let go. I finally did myself the favor of deleting him from everything (a full month after it should have happened and after I told everyone I had done it.) including my cellphone. Now all I have to do is forget the things that I still remember and the hard part will be over. But the fact remain that despite my (admittedly recent) shift in attitude, I still can't shake the worst of the experience and I am left with this blistering sore in the core of my being that is a conflicted array of hate, love, disgust and fondness.

“If I said 'I want you back' I'd be a lier.
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore.
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire,
and every night I can't help reaching out for more.
And I can't sleep.”

I also have found myself furious with my inability to deal with deal with more daily things like finding a job over winter break or handling my personal finances. Part of this was me withdrawing from the world because I really didn't want to deal with it or with how depressed I had become again. But part of me just is really bad at dealing with the bureaucracy involved with the system. What I am discovering is that raw, untrained intellect is very bad at dealing with organized systems. You need very detailed training to out think a form or a telephone system. This is in contrast to what schools try to teach, namely that any situation can be resolved when approached with the right frame of mind. Of course, I could just be bad at it, but I'd like to think I'm not alone in my tribulations.

Despite my rationalization of recent events, I still find myself unable to come up with a convincing reason as to why I can't deal with things and write about something other than my own issues. I am aware that I, like everyone else, am a inherently selfish person who ultimately only cares about himself and his own wellbeing. Still, I want to believe I can overcome these obstacles and write something that really speaks to my readers and gets them to think about things in new ways.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Lyrics from the Album “Tri-State” by Above and Beyond

Comments on V

2007-01-05T01:49:00.000-06:00

I am watching V for Vendetta. It's the third time I've seen it and every time I watch it, I enjoy it more. Tonight, I focused on the story about Valerie. She was the woman who wrote her autobiography on toilet paper while being held by the government.

“Our integrity sells for so little, yet it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us, but in that inch, we are free.”

I find myself completely unable to relate to Evey's brush with prison and torture but Valerie's story of oppression by government and the loss of love strikes disturbingly close to home. She ends her tale by saying that she loves Evey in the specific but also that she loves anyone who would read the letter. I immediately disappoint myself by remembering that I harbor a bitter hatred and nothing short of a near death experience could change that. And, I realize that perhaps a near death experience is needed to finally appreciate life.

Such an experience cannot be created by the self. Suicide is an essentially selfish act and cannot produce truth. No, what is needed is oppression and hate to the point of the destruction of the superficial layers of our personalities until all that is left is a core that surpasses hate and retribution by embracing them and coming out on the other side. A core that is free of hate and fear.

I doubt that anyone who I know could archive such a state, even under torture. It would require perfect knowledge of the self and more importantly a perfect ego, unencumbered by belief of personal superiority, while simultaneously secure in the knowledge that he or she is, in fact, right about everything. Such a personality probably cannot exist.

Humans are, as the movie points out, sheep. Easily lead and organized by anyone with more than an ounce of charisma. We are orchestrated by those with the ability to lead and we do not realize it. Like dominoes in V's chain, people can be set up and lead to do exactly what they are told to do without them even knowing they were told to do it.

But the fact remains that even those in power, are subject to the effects of other people. V falls for Evey and his message is changed by that love. Love is, perhaps, the only factor in the world that can effect real change. Choices can only be overturned by love and love is the only thing that can obscure rationality and logic. Even hate cannot override the senses like love can. And hate is, of course, nothing more than another form of love.

“God is in the rain”

I am a romantic. Above all else, I believe in love. I cannot love right now. It still hurts too much to. But the world is made and destroyed by people like me. And the people like me are everywhere. We are overdue a revolution and while I am no position to effect one, I stand for those who are. And in my own small way, I will change things. Things that I can change.

Beware those who have had their hearts broken, for they are the ones who shape the world while never being seen. And we shall destroy those who have done us wrong.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

New Year 2.0

2007-01-01T05:08:00.000-06:00

The New Year inevitably depresses me. Yeah, there's the promise of a fresh start and new beginning but I always end up thinking about what I could have done differently. There are always mistakes that should have been corrected or could have been avoided. Little stupid things that happened because I was being my stubborn self. That being said, we all do thing that are stupid and life goes on. I'm not trying to play up my mistakes as bigger or more life-destroying than anyone else's. But we have regrets and even when confronted with a brand new year, we still dwell on the mistakes of the past.

Which leads to resolutions. Those annoying little changes you promise yourself you're going to make in the year to come. Of course, the American resolution is “to lose weight.” And by February 10th, more than 90% of the people who make this resolution, have forgotten it. And when January comes round again, they go and make the resolution again. It's a terrible cycle

So I'm recommending a new resolution. Don't make one. Life is about making mistakes. I sure as hell made a bunch this year but I don't think I'd change a thing. You live and learn. You learn that even if you could have been the perfect person, even if you did everything you could, sometimes, it isn't enough. You learn that moving on is tough. But you do learn how to and you do. So don't dwell on the past. Stand up and take that step forward to free yourself from the past and the junk that tries to bog you down.

It's time to face the new, without the old.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Track Six

2006-12-16T14:24:00.000-06:00

I felt the need to write today, more so than I've felt in a long time. I think what got me started was listening to Corinne Bailey Rae. She sings "Put Your Records On," which has been all over the radio. I don't think I've ever listened to an album that better expresses how I've been feeling. Some of that is the timing but even ignoring recent events, the music seems to really speaks to my soul.

Track six is really one of the most appropriate songs to my mood.

There has been a serious disconnect between me and some of my friends that was partially mended by, ironically, my breakup. People who I hadn't talked to in ages suddenly came out of the woodwork and offered me the helping hand that I needed. The holidays really are a time for reconnecting and I plan to use them as such. That being said, if I don't call you, give me a ring. There are far too many people who I owe time to and my brain is not nearly sharp enough to remember you all.

So "Call me when you get this." We'll have a good time. That's a promise.

Anger and Giving Up

2006-12-14T15:30:00.000-06:00

I am irrationally angry. I have been for the past five days. I really shouldn't be. School has gone well and I am home early and enjoying seeing all my friends and helping out with the old Speech Team. Despite recent drama, which I have summarily eliminated for my own sanity, things are really as good as they ever are.

So it doesn't make sense that I am angry. And not angry at anything or anyone. Just generically angry. The random rage is manifesting as nonsensical lines of spoken words that I begin to spout whenever I'm alone. They really don't make sense. On a scientific level, I think that my emotional mind is overriding my intellectual and attempting to produce poetry. Of course the lines aren't even close to being considered verse. If I could set down and really write some poetry, I might feel a bit better but in an act of complete idiocy, I left my power cord for my Laptop in my dorm room and so am sans computer where I prefer to write.

But what really gets me about this whole thing is that I am not angry at anyone. I should be angry at a great number of people for screwing me over in the past two weeks. And yet I still find myself not hating them directly, although everyone and everything is getting a little bit of the hate.

We humans are strange creatures who seek out love and companionship, full in the knowledge that nine times out of ten, we are just going to be slapped across the face by life. And then comes the sadness and depression. And what do we do after that, but go after it all again. Maybe that's what I'm mad about. The endless cycle of love and loathing that seems to drive us.

In one of my coherent rants, I caught myself saying that "I want that revelation that surpasses love." I'm not sure what I was referring to but I can see wanting to break free of that cycle. For that matter, I think I can understand the Hindu and Buddhist perspective of the endless cycles of life, death and rebirth as being a bad thing and something to break free of. A great number of Eastern Philosophies/Religions believe in the presence of "Chakras" or centers of bodily energy. The Chakra that is of most importance to human spiritual being is the Sahasrara Chakra at the crown of the head. This Chakra is said to connect the souls or spirits of people with the divine. To access it, gurus seek to discard all attachment to the physical world. Perhaps we should learn to do a little of the same.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

"I Just Move On"

2006-12-05T10:22:00.000-06:00

36 hours and counting. Things have settled on my end. More or less. My myriad girlfriends are apparently launching letter bombs. I can't say that I approve of dragging this thing out, but a part of me takes perverse pleasure in the barbs they are slinging. As for me, I'm done. I've said my peace and the ball is in his court now. So that's it. Well, one more thing. It is a terrible thing to break up with someone right before finals.

Moving on.

I'm going home on Saturday. I am looking forward to indulging in terrible movies with my small harem, sitting down and talking things out with Kate and having lunch with Patti and Tom. There is a lot to talk about and I have missed my friends and family a great deal over the past year. I guess I also feel like I lost contact with a lot of people.

So in the truest sense of the winter season, I will be setting up a personal Yule celebration. Yule is the traditional Wiccan holiday that, along with the roman Saturnalia, make up the basis for the modern Christmas. It's a celebration of new beginnings and casting off the old year.

So in the vein of Velma and Roxie from Chicago, “I just move on.”

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Mourning After

2006-12-04T05:56:00.000-06:00

4 AM is a terrible time to be awake. iTunes isn't helping by playing a sting of sad, regretful pieces by Yoko Kanno and Yuki Kajiura, spliced with horribly perky j-pop. I swear that program is psychic. The caffeine pill kicked in about 30 minutes ago but instead of making me awake and jittery like it should have, I got very focused and the full impact of this day settled in my brain.

I think most of my problems stem from the fact that I fall deeply in love,very quickly. It has the double negative of scaring off causal relationships and causing nothing but pain after the serous ones. I've made remarkable progress down the “Five Stages of Grieving,” moving from denial to anger in 3 hours, passing bargaining about ten minutes ago and now settling into depression. Of course I do my best writing in the depression stage. The problem is getting stuck there. I got stuck there for... well, I don't think I ever left there after Reid. But that had more to do with my wacky attachment to a belief in destiny than anything else.

It is interesting how, in each of these stages, the final stage looks different. Years of psycho-therapy have left me with the ability to accurately judge my mental state and do so, more or less, objectively. In the denial stage, acceptance takes the form of some form of retraction. “It was all a mistake,” or “When I get back home, we'll pick up where we left off.” When I was angry, acceptance was when I would decide to forgive him for doing this to me, over AIM/right before my finals/with his Ex/at all. In bargaining, acceptance is the hope that he will buy the deal, (which I never offered) or cave into the threats (in this case, the very real threat of my girlfriends hunting him down and bashing his head in with a sledgehammer).

But in depression, acceptance doesn't exist. I am aware that at some point, I will move on, but that point is not visible from where I am standing. There is a break between my intellectual mind that realizes that this will pass and my emotional mind, which has gone and dug a hole for itself somewhere in my brain stem and it will not come out unless I poke it with a sharp stick. Putting everything all on paper is the equivalent of declaring war on my emotional brain. And while I wage a mini war in my head, my intellectual mind has busied itself researching love, romance and breakups. Not that I'm finding anything interesting.

I may have done a very stupid thing while I was traversing the rocky waters of bargaining. I IMed his Ex. We had a very, some could say overly, civil conversation in which I stated that, while it would be easier to hate him, it was ultimately very dull to partake in the expected drama. He artfully dodged my questions of who had re-initiated their flagged romance, and I artfully insinuated that he was a coward who was afraid to talk openly, where upon he took advantage of my drama avoidance and effectively hung up. The odd thing is, if I am correctly reading all the horribly public blogs that the three of us are keeping, the Ex and I have very similar thoughts when it comes to him. And similar attitudes toward relationship for that matter. Oh damn... I was the fucking rebound.

Shit

Another part of me has been pouring through old AIM conversations, trying to figure out just when I lost him. All the signals seem to point to Friday, November 17^th as the day the badness started. But as I looked further back, all the way to Halloween, I can see bits and pieces of what bit me in the ass today. The fact that I have known for almost three full weeks is a testament to something although I can't really figure out what. And to say that I knew things were going bad then is an exaggeration. It was really my random call to him over Thanksgiving that slammed it home. That's still 10 days but it's substantially less impressive. I'd still like to believe that my returning home could fix things, but I know that short of a miracle, it isn't going to happen.

As promised, I will be printing this out and burning it ritually with hemlock. I've always thought that even if Wicca and magic are not real, ritual acts bring meaning to actions beyond those which our intellectual sides (my only functioning one) cannot justify. At the same time, I made the decision to immortalize it on the web as a blog post to remind me of an event that let me accurately analyze the grief cycle and expand my self-concept in a single evening. It also stands for hope. Not for this relationship, but for future ones. Hope that I will be more adept at making my feelings known in better ways. Hope that I will be able to hold on to love.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

A small section above is in italics to indicate that it was writen after the initial draft but represented a realization that hit me after the hour it took to write the article.

Gone

2006-12-04T01:41:00.000-06:00

Rant Time!
Duck

It's been a while since I've ranted and now I have a good reason to. It's 1 AM. I've been listening to Kelly Clarkson for at least two hours. I am pissed off.

Aaron broke up with me about seven hours ago. It should be noted that I saw this coming about a month ago when he started talking about his ex a lot more than he should have. I'm kinda surprised it didn't happen sooner.

I am not a fan of personal drama. I may love it in other people, where it is isolated so I can observe it and fix it but I hate it when it happens to me. So at this point, I am indulging in a great deal of personal drama that, while making me feel better, will complicate things in the long run.

He broke up with me over Instant Messenger. Over-fucking-AIM. This was such a slap in my face that I didn't even realize what had happened until about an hour later. He didn't even have the balls to call me.

We live in an era where personal communication has reached a place where you are no more than 18 muscle movements away from having a vocal conversations with almost anyone in the USA, regardless of distance or time. The fact that he couldn't even muster up the tiny increment of strength it would take to look up my number in his cell phone and push dial is disgusting. The only thing lower on the tree of shame would be a text message breakup. And that would have resulted in me dumping his e-mail address into as many spam generators as I could.

And I hate that that it bothers me.

And I hate that I'm indulging in a personal rant, right after I resolved to make this blog more professional.

And I hate that I can't sleep tonight.

And I hate that I STILL can't bring myself to hate him.

So here's the deal; I am going to go on with my life as only I know how. With a well written summary of what this relationship has meant to me. Then, I will take that paper and burn it with sprig of Hemlock to symbolize death. It will be over. Fire burns away the damage and Hemlock kills the infection. And that will be the end of it. A clean break.

In the words of Miss Kelly Clarkson, “I'm already gone!”

Written in Hate.
Lyrinoir

Post Script

Aaron, if you even so much as think about posting on this entry, I will ban your IP so fast your network port will fry.

Changes

2006-11-28T07:31:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking about a number of things. This blog has become to me, something more than just a collection of events and notations. It is really becoming a commentary on life, culture and people. For that reason, I'm changing a bunch of things.

First off, the name is changing. When I started the blog, it was supposed to be more of a journal than a exercise in writing. The name Darksong was never really appropriate to either incarnation. It was a corruption of my webnomen, Lyrinoir. For the moment, the name is going to be “Something Ventured...” It is meant to be a reflection of how I put forth ideas in order to bring out thought in the readers. So the “...” of the title is the place where you add your commentary to mine and new ideas come out of it. We'll see how it fits.

Second has more to do with what I'm up to. I've just switched majors to communication with a focus in journalism. Mostly, this is because of the fun I've had writing this. I'll be taking classes on how to write in newspapers and other public forums. Hopefully this will improve the blog and its subject matter. Whatever the result, I've picked a path and we'll see how it ends.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Beg pardon, you're what?

2006-11-16T18:24:00.000-06:00

As with all things these days, this entry started with Facebook. A gentleman of undisclosed name and details posted a note which, by completely random chance, caught my attention on a day when I was prepared to ignore everything on that site. The note detailed a personal introduction focusing on certain aspects of the individuals life that identified him as homosexual despite the fact that he adamantly says he isn't. If anything, the note proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the individual is, in fact, straight. My logic being that anyone who had the self-confidence to post such a note in a very public forum, would have no real issue proclaiming himself gay. That being said, this is less about the note in question and more about cultural trends. Why stop at personal when we can go global?

Sir Ian McKellen came out to the British public back in 1988. The reception he received was one of support and a little hostility but for the most part, British society got over homosexuality. That is to say that London culture advanced to the point where being gay was about as exciting as someone named Smith. The culture evolved to the point where it didn't matter anymore and everyone moved on. Yes there are still pockets of resistance but for the most part, homosexuality isn't even an issue in England.

In comparison, U.S. culture is being pulled in two directions. On the one hand, older generations are inclined to be distrustful of open homosexuals, mostly due to the negative stigma that gay males receive regarding AIDS. Admittedly, lesbians in America are a little better off but they still get scrutiny from their elders. On the other side is the American youth, which is just as split as the adults. For the most part, teenagers and college students have developed a neutral response to homosexuality. Not accepted but not actively hating. This general haze is punctuated by some of the most violent hate crimes of any era, mostly directed at gay men. And while being gay has become mostly OK in the eyes of the public, modern slang revolves around the use of “gay” as a derogatory term that can be applied to just about anything.

For homosexuals living today, a similar dichotomy exists. There immense pressure from both sides to declare one way or the other. Open homosexuals encourage others to embrace their “true desires,” regardless of which way that is. Majority culture urges everyone to conform to a status quo and not deviate to become accepted. While a gay boy or girl might be tolerated as a part of a school or community, he or she would not be accepted on a complete scale.

So I can understand while someone who is straight might feel the need to publicly declare his or her preference, particularly if it's a guy who is extremely “Metrosexual.” At the same time, I could only wish that such decelerations weren't needed and people could accept people as people.

As someone who decided to come out of the closet to his whole school, I realize that I might sound a touch hypocritical. But consider that if I hadn't had to make that announcement, what I could have been accomplishing before when I was hiding. Either way, I'm comfortable with who I am. The only reason I talk about it at all is because I enjoy subjecting modern culture to my viewpoint. And for those of you who have a problem with it, in the immortal words of Ian McKellen, “Fuck off, I'm gay.”

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Warm Tea?

2006-11-14T22:06:00.000-06:00

So I'm browsing my usual Tech papers, when I see an interesting article. The headline is “Games Imitate Life,” and the sub-header goes on to explain that Gay relationships are finally appearing in games. After reading the article I, one, determined that the writers at The Age have never played straight Japanese game ports; and two, said, “About freaking time.”

The article was referring to the ability, in the new Rockstar Game, Bully, of the protagonist to court either a male or a female love interest, culminating in a kiss. The scene, named the "Warm Tea" scene in refrence to the Hot Coffee fiasco with Rockstar's Grand Theft Auto 3. The scene is only the latest in a sequence of homosexual nods in gaming. The Sims 2 allows for homosexual coupling and even for those couples to adopt children. Fable, a massive RPG also permits gay marriage.

At this point, I should clarify that Japanese gamers have enjoyed homosexual romance in games for many years now. These baby steps being made by American game developers marks the start of what I can only hope to be a real trend in game design. While we're waiting for the real changes to start happening, take heart in the news that Jack Thompson got hit with a brickwall when he tried to re-open his earlier case against Bully, using the “homo-erotic content” as a catalyst. Good times.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Thoughts Regarding Thinking

2006-10-16T11:12:00.000-05:00

I can't think in the morning. It isn't a function of it being early or me being not awake or anything like that. It's just that after sunrise, I find myself incapable of forming complete and whole thoughts. Early morning should be the time when I find some inspirational music and play it as loud as I can in an effort to jumpstart my brain. Of course, dorm life preempts this morning ritual. And headphones just aren't the same.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. This goes with my temperamental depression which has flared up in the last week or so. It's not that I'm particularly depressed about anything. It's just a general depression that is conducive to creative thought.

Most of my thinking has been about time. I just turned 20 and I can't help but feel the gears of time grinding on my nerves. I realize that I'm not supposed to feel old until at least 45 and probably not even till 60 but at the same time I can't help but feel that things will only go downhill from here. Simultaneously, I realize that I am supposed to be looking forward to 21 and the ability to drink alcohol but I really don't. This, in turn, makes me feel older than the majority of my somewhat giddy peers who do look forward to their 21^st birthday bashes.

It all boils down to me not enjoying my 20^th at all. Thanks to everyone who wished me well. You really were the only bright spot in a terrible day.

Kate and Aaron should get special thanks for cheering me up beyond measure and getting me through the day. Much love.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

War: Within the Mind

2006-09-24T08:51:00.000-05:00

“What do I care for your suffering? Pain, even agony, is no more than information before the senses, data fed to the computer of the mind. The lesson is simple: you have received the information, now act on it. Take control of the input and you shall become master of the output.” Chairman Sheng-ji Yang
"Essays on Mind and Matter"
(Fictional from “Alpha Centauri”)

I need to quote things more often.

I also should break this down into two entries but I'm not going to. Two rather large events occurred today and by pure coincidence, they both started at about 5:30 this morning. The first was personal and left me crying outside my dorm for a few moments longer than I should have been. The second occurred to someone else but it had a ricochet effect that hit me two hours later.

Because Facebook has apparently eaten my blog, I'm not going to even use first names in this post. Pardon my pronouns.

I was walking back to my dorm after a party when my slightly psychic iPod drops “Like the Deserts Miss the Rain” by Everything but the Girl. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, my thoughts immediately turned to my boyfriend back in Colorado. I'm heading back to see him in a few weeks but we really don't talk enough and there's been this thing where we both have been lying to the other about how much we miss each other. The idea being that if we don't hurt one another, we'll make the relationship last longer. So we balance stories of good times with reduced descriptions of the sheer amount of time we spend thinking about each other. Of course, when asked directly, I will deny all of this. So, I'm walking along thinking about October 6th when it hits me that he's not the one I'm missing. Yah, I want to see him but he's not the one that I really miss. There's someone else who popped into my head. An old crush from high school who I swore I was over. And I burst into tears right on the steps up to my dorm. Don't really know why I did. Some combination of realizing that I'm never going to get over this guy and he's going to hang like a shadow over my current relationship, which, at the same time, I could never give up if I tried. This annoys and depresses me. I hate my iPod.

Two hours later, after watching the few scenes of the Matrix and laughing mildly at the terrible dubbing over the swear words on the cable broadcast, I got on Facebook to see that a friend of mine had posted a “Note.” Like a Facebook based bloging system, the Notes allow people to spew random crap into cyberspace and get more hits on it than a lot of pop-up adds. I should also mention that my blog now appears in my “Notes” section for no apparent reason. The note in question was a page long diatribe on the individual's hatred of our college and the general emotional constipation of humanity in 2006. Not that I blame him for thinking that. I am certainly just as much a perpetrator of that crime as anyone else as my earlier revelation made very clear to me. He ends the note by mentioning that he is drunk and is going to look at this in the morning and laugh a bit and then hate himself even more. For those of you who have been reading this for a while, you know how I feel about drinking and this only serves to further my annoyance with the “most mild drug.” The whole situation made me wonder what would happen if everyone was forced to be honest about their feeling and weren't forced to rely on artificial stimulants to facilitate human interaction.

The noted Psychologist, Carl Jung claimed that the entire human experience was a movement from collectivity to true individuality and self-understanding through the development of aspects of one's personality and discovering one's true self. I can't help but feel like the process has stalled for our generation. Either because we are living in a wealthy and comfortable culture, or because the very essence of rebellion is quickly absorbed and popularized by advertisers everywhere, we have lost a spark to achieve individuality. We are leaning toward a truly collective society where the boarders between people are virtually nonexistent.

It should be noted, because I am obsessed with Japan, that the Japanese people are going through the reverse of this phenomenon known as Hikikomori. As their culture progressed to a level of total and complete social integration and an ever more complex social network, the backlash movement spurred individuals to break from society. Because there is no rebel population in Japan, those who break free of society are outcasts of a kind and retreat into themselves, becoming Hikikomori, or withdrawn from the world; refusing to even interact with their own families and closest friends.

Where I fall on this wonderful line of social dysfunction is a mystery to me but I'm fairly sure I'm more balanced than most of my friends, even if I don't act like it. But I suppose a crazy person would view himself as sane.

I plan on talking to a few people today about a number of things but I would ask the few readers of this to talk to a friend and ask them how they feel. It's a weird thought, but a caring question can sometimes do a world of good.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

International WoW

2006-09-07T07:49:00.000-05:00

Patti sent me an article about World of Warcraft yesterday. The rundown was that the game, of which I am a huge addict, has grown into this huge international monstrosity, picking up players in Asian nations and having unprecedented global appeal unlike anything since Mario. The total subscriptions number somewhere in the seven millions.

Upon receiving the article, I logged into my server of choice, Shadow Council is the name, and took a quick poll of the guild I am currently running with. For those of you who are running behind the times with the terminology of MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games), a server is one of a few hundred copies of the main world of WoW onto which players are distributed to prevent hardware overload. A Guild is an organization of players who work toward a common goal. In most cases, guilds are formed by friends who want to access the endgame content which can require anywhere from twenty to forty real people working together to access.

My guild, Legends, is composed of mostly Americans hailing from the East Coast and a few from the Midwest. I'm about as far west as we go, however, there are also a few players from Australia and Great Brittan lurking about in the odd hours. We also have players from Texas and Montana in the US, Montreal and Quebec in Canada and a smattering of Ex-Pats in Africa and Central Europe.

Back when I played Final Fantasy XI, I had a few bilingual friends from Japan on my friend list but when it comes to international communities, nothing can top the collection of people in my WoW guild. And I talk to these people almost every other day. Thanks to a program called Ventrilo, Vent for short, we all can communicate in real time, talking about everything from game strategy to high politics. And while it is “just a game,” we can't help but feel a sense of camaraderie between us when we take on those huge burning bosses in one of the game's final dungeons.

I suppose I should put a disclaimer here that WoW is horribly addictive to the point where it can sometimes be not enjoyable anymore. This happens mostly when I stop playing for a week and try to come back and my brain explodes but other than that, this is one of the games I have continued to play for more than a year. All and all, there is much fun to be had but you have to watch how much you get involved.

And it helps that I got Aaron playing WoW now so we have another avenue of interaction. We're going to have lots of adventures!

Muah!
Lyrinoir

STORYWRITER

2006-09-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

One of my new favorite pieces of music is the song, STORYWRITER by the Japanese pop group, Supercar. The song showed up on the Eureka seveN OST and it really is wonderful. It starts out all skippy and you think you need to hit your computer but then it hits YOU that it's supposed to skip. It's a lot like life in some ways. Now I know your saying, “Ooo, big life connection time. Yay...” but that would be really predictable of me and ultimately stupid.

You either get it right now or you don't. That's it. I have realized that it is stupid to berate the readers with obvious facts like the one above. And, of course, there is a story behind this little revelation. Cue the scene change.

There's this girl in my acting class, lets call her Tracy, who's very personality reminds me of the Goth Girls you see on television. This would be well and good except she wears bright colors and has light brown hair. But she comes off all goth-esq because she's quiet and says rather morbid things when she thinks no one's listening. So we had this reading assignment, Stanislavsky's “An Actor Prepares,” and during the class discussion of said reading the teacher asks Tracy to give her thoughts as to why Stanislavsky promotes exposing new actors directly to the stage as soon as possible. Tracy freezes for a moment and I can just see the little wheels turning in her head, processing the conversation up to that point. She finally opens her mouth and says “Well the answer is so obvious, I don't really want to talk about it.” And while Tracy was dropping Grade-A crap, the idea hit me in a strange way.

There are some concepts that normal humans can process regardless of common experience or personal bias. These feeling or concepts are so transcendent that talking about them can actually reduce their impact or kill them completely. So for someone like me who loves to write about everything, I have to draw a line between these personal things and the concepts that apply to everyone that are OK.

This blog was always meant to be more than a personal journal. I explore bigger emotional and philosophical topics though stories of the things that happen to me. Admittedly, the reason was a little selfish, in that I was the one getting the most out of the deal. The blog let me hold my life up to the mirror and learn from it. But recently, I've been drifting into more personal things than I really should be writing about. Not that my relationships are so private that I felt self-conscious. More that I don't feel that I have the right to waste space with things that don't have a meaning that everyone can relate to.

So I'm starting things over again, or at least putting a fresh coat of paint on everything. I have no idea what's going to happen next but I'm sure it's gonna be great. Stay tuned.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

"Ain't No Other Man" REMIXED!

2006-08-28T00:48:00.001-05:00

So I started listening to the new Christina Aguilera single, “Ain't No Other Man” (remixed of course) which tell you just what kind of mental state I was in two hours ago. Read as: riding the buzz of the first weekend of school and the bubbly feeling that I get when I stay up till 1:00 AM several nights in a row. Good times. And it hit me that the words had come back into my head.

This requires some backstory. I write poetry for preference and bloging has kinda filled the hours between bouts of poetry. It's been a while since I last hammered out any kind of poem, let alone a good one, and I was really excited to grab my notepad and scribble out a draft of a poem about color. It isn't anything to jump for joy about but it the first poetry I've written in a while and it feels damn good.

The other weird thing about tonight was the fact that I got myself elected to one of the school clubs I belong to. Now I had intended to run for office, fail, and proceed to install a bevy of friends who had all agreed to put me on the executive board later. So it was quite a surprise to win and be able to enact some of the changes I had in mind directly. Very cool.

I think I'll touch on the merits of being high energy. When I was giving my speech, I kept flashing back to that unfortunate clip of Howard Dean losing his mind on national television. How is it possible that a politician, who makes their entire life off of image and record, flub it up so badly. Now don't get me wrong. I'd rather have a Dean than a Bush any day. In fact, there are aspects of Dean's little shriek that are well worth noting. In a field of quiet, calm men who know how to work a crowd, Dean stood out as a high energy maverick who put down his own tracks. That kind of energy is what the U.S. Political system has been missing in my opinion. People, while adamant about their own agendas, do not have a fanatical support for any one cause or even a set of causes. Not to mention the fact that most politicians are more concerned with their own re-election than any values that they based their campaign on. It really is quite sad.

I love speaking up and it's even better when people listen. So listen up or speak out. You can't join in if you don't know what's going on and you can't do what you want unless you get people to hear you out.

That's the story!

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Bad Daybreak

2006-08-25T19:42:00.000-05:00

08/25/06
2:00 AM

So I've been crying for the better part of four hours. But I've also spent that time with friends so the crying has been very internalized. The effect of which is that my friends think I'm tired and grumpy when I'm really just sad and a little confused. I was watching a movie, V for Vendetta, and the guy setting next to me seemed to be sending me the subtle, “I'm interested” vibe but I was kinda engrossed in the movie so I'm not really sure. This is the second time I've thought this guy was giving me vibes and I don't honestly know what to do about it. On the one hand, I'm totally in love with Aaron in a way I didn't think I could be, as evidenced by the fact that I spent the last four hours in self-absorbed grief. On the other hand, Aaron is miles away and I won't see him until October and a distracting fling to fill the void might be just what the doctor ordered.

The most surprising thing about this is that I'm having this thought at all. I didn't think there was anyone else who could even come close to arousing my interest but here is a sweet, sensitive guy with a penchant for gaming and Anime who seems to be coming on to me.

Of course, I could be overreacting and he could just be interested in me because I'm interesting and not in any sexual way. But that didn't stop me from stopping myself dead in my tracks and really questioning what the hell is going on. And now I really can't type anymore because the tears are combining with the fact that I'm tired as all hell and I need sleep. More later.

8/26/06
6:20 PM

After some time and sleep everything makes much more sense. Or at least appears to. I guess I was probably blowing the whole thing out of proportion. At the same time, reading what I wrote above, I can't help but feel I'm shoving trash under the carpet instead of cleaning up.

And I also hate that I dropped a whole post about my personal relationship issues. More meaty stuff later.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

And... Again!

2006-08-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

Summer is coming to an end and I have started the packing process so I can head back to school. I guess I'd just like to touch on two things and then I'll probably not post till I've gotten settled.

First on my agenda, and my most pressing concern in the immediate and direct future, is my new roommate. I know absolutely nothing about him. My school doesn't employ any kind of survey for matching potential roommates. So when my friend and I botched our applications, I ended up with Johny Somebody who won't return my phone calls! Or I have the wrong number.

Second, and by far the more important issue in the long run is trouble with relationships. Long distance relationships to be precise. I'm leaving Aaron back home when I leave tomorrow morning. While the relationship has only be going on for 3 weeks, I can't help but feel as if I'm leaving a long term tryst. What we've had can only be described as a whirlwind relationship I was thinking about what to write here for the longest time and I've found myself unable to put words to the emotions. For someone who thinks that his biggest asset is his ability to articulate himself, it's more than slightly unsettling to be unable to write about something, let alone something I feel so strongly about.

As for what's happening, we're trying the long distance thing. I don't know how it's going to work out but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this slip through my fingers. I know that I'm a hopeless romantic but I really do believe that he and I could be soulmates. It's rushed and probably premature but I can't help how I feel about the whole thing. At any rate, I'm very shook up about leaving and the whole business has cast a bit of a dark shadow on going back to school.

I guess I'll just see how things turn out.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Romance

2006-08-07T00:45:00.000-05:00

I've always been a romantic. Which may be part of the reason that most of my relationships have ended badly. I would hold up what I had to the great romances of history and literature and become disappointed. So I kind of gave up on love. It wasn't that I though love or relationships were useless, it was just that I would constantly push my standards higher and higher so that the only thing left was perfection. So when I met Aaron, I though he was too good to be true. Nineteen year old male who's interests include Anime, online gaming and Terry Pratchett and cute to boot. And things just fell into place. He came over, we hit it off and now I can't get enough of him.

It's amazing what just a few days of being in a relationship has done to me. I feel literally lighter and more relaxed all the time. Just being around him makes me happier then I've been in a long time. Part of me knows that I'm making him better than he is; that I'm pushing the whole experience up to the point of that perfection which I crave but at the same time there is something so true about what I'm feeling. I can't put my finger on it but it is almost enough to make me believe in destiny. It's all too perfect.

So that's what's been going on. I don't know what is going to happen next but whatever it is, I know it's going to be great.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Other Ways to Say Darkness

2006-07-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

Whenever a theme or a topic pops up three or more times in a short period I tend to get very interested in that topic. So when the word 'darkness' popped up in two books and a video game, I of course started thinking.

It started about two weeks back, when I picked up the game, Kingdom Hearts 2. For those of you who aren't tapped into the gaming world, KH2 is the sequel to the milestone collaboration between Square-Enix and Disney in which classic Disney characters play out a grand adventure to vanquish the Heartless. The Heartless are beings of pure darkness that steal the hearts of people. In the second game, one of the main characters becomes an incarnate of darkness but despite his ties to the Heartless and the realm of darkness, he remains good.

The second occurrence was in the book “Thud!” by Terry Pratchett. In Thud, the darkness takes the form of a kind of Dwarfish religion. Down in the mines of the Dwarfs, a kind of sentience has welled up around runes of darkness. While the “Summoning Dark” is a creation of pure evil, the ultimate solution to the problem turns out to be another kind of darkness, “The Guarding Dark.” The book also took a look at the world from the possible perspective of the underground, mining society that the Dwarfs had. Because they lived their entire lives in darkness, the Dwarfs had a different view of it than any creature that lived above ground. They felt at home in it and embraced it, even going to the lengths of fearing the light and the surface world. It is an interesting point of view.

The third book was a new novel by L.E. Modesit Jr., a favorite author of mine for his Spellsong books. In the new book, Espers (from the term ESP or Extra Sensory Perception) act as gods on a paradise world until an newcomer, wrapped in darkness arrives to bring justice to the gods. I haven't quite finished this one yet but the book clearly has the new god of darkness as the protagonist.

All this boils down to the traditional role reversal of light vs. dark. Throughout fiction and even history, the Light has typically been the champion and Darkness the villain. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and even the contrast of the “Dark Ages” to the era of “Enlightenment,” the world is swimming with examples of Light = Good, Dark = Bad. To see so many reversals of the typical order in such a short span of time indicates a huge reversal of the world's thinking. Sure, most people will still link light with good but as we drift further from the era of blind religious faith and delve further into the mysteries of the world as science sees it, it is clear that the trends of culture will look to darkness.

One possible explanation is the human appreciation of the unknown. I am referring specifically to the depths of space that have yet to be explored. There is a fascination with the dark beyond that is drawing our imaginations to darkness. Ultimately, I think we have become sick of the safety of the light and we now seek adventure in the dark. While I don't think we can predict where this trend will take us, I think it is clear that the Enlightenment is over and we can now begin the “Endarkenment.”

As a final thought, it can also be said that abandoning light and embracing darkness is a bad thing. I submit that even though we may not be able to see in the dark, at least we cannot be blinded by a shadow.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Mild Forms of Insanity

2006-06-19T21:35:00.000-05:00

Mild forms of insanity are the only necessary components to remaining truly sane. For some, that means trying to do the impossible in an impossible amount of time.

In the past week I have taken on two part-time jobs. The first is as a lighting technician/designer at my old high school, doing work on several summer drama camps. In each of these camps, the director attempts to put on a semi-professional show in the space of a week. The first two shows were: a version of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe and a heavily edited version of Wicked, the musical. I should mention that these camps are for elementary and middle school students. And they both took place on the same week. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of work it takes to put a show together in a week, let alone doing it with bratty little kids. We just started moving into week two of the camp and the new show is Oliver, the Musical. The only saving grace on this one is that there is only one show in the week.

And if you think that's insane, my other job almost tops it. I was hired by a 95 year old, blind man as an assistant. My duties consist of organizing, making the office more accessible for my employer and helping him with his Magnum Opus. His work? It's a book the size of a dictionary on how to fix the world's problems. My employer in question is fairly cogent, being only senile enough to think that publishing the book is a reality he can achieve during this summer. I'm not saying he couldn't do it. He just won't do it while I'm here. There are literally 60 gigabytes of documentation to go though. Most of it is duplication and backups of the actual project but the files have been mislabeled and badly sorted for years now, making editing a pain the ass. I've dropped more than 40 hours into this thing and it's maybe 10% done. Maybe. But I will keep working on it, despite the futility, because my employer is paying me $13 an hour. For those of you doing the math, that's a little over $520 in a week. And that's me working around the theater gig.

Both of my employers obviously are just insane enough to attempt the impossible but I can't help loving helping them make the impossible, possible. Okay, so the book isn't going to get published anytime soon but the first two plays went pretty well, and I have a good feeling about Oliver.

In my free time (2.32 hours over the past 5 days) I started playing the game Wild ARMs 4. It's a typical RPG with a young hero and a damsel with the power to save or destroy the world in distress. But one of the minor characters said something that struck home. “Humans are frail creatures. The only way we can survive is to combine our strengths and give it all we've got.” Even though she was talking about the four member battle system, I can't help but think that there is something so true to that. We can't do the impossible alone, but if we work together, there is nothing that we can't accomplish.

Now I'm going to go wash my hands with acid for writing such sappy drivel.

Ending Thoughts

2006-05-09T03:57:00.000-05:00

I have trouble with endings. Things tend to get rushed and I never say goodbye to everyone I want to. There are whole sections of reality that seem to black out. I just finished watching Saved, and it really started to make me think about... well... lots of things. No no, I'm not going all feel-good or anything. I just started thinking about the connections we make and the friends we talk to. And even more about the connections we break and the friends we don't talk to anymore. Or the people we had a fight with and never saw again.

Or that girl who you met at a swimming pool one day in summer. You know the one. The one with the big brown eyes who chased you under the waterfall until you stopped and said hi. And you never saw her again but after twelve years she still pops into you head now and again. And you wonder if she still thinks about you.

True story. The weird bit is I have no idea why I think about her. I never can remember her name and I certainly am not entertaining a childhood crush, but on the odd nights like tonight she comes wandering into my head. And there's a song about memories playing in my media player.

And in my sociology class we learned that the six degrees of separation do exist and that the number is going down. So I am connected to thousands of people I'll never meet because of a girl who I met on a summer day. Or I could take it the other way and say that I met her again and we became best friends without ever realizing when we first met.

And then I have to ask myself about destiny and is there a grand scheme of things that we cannot hope to understand. Or is god, in fact, dead and destiny has fallen apart. Where do I draw the line at the end of the chain of ideas? Where is the answer?

I sure don't know.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Distableazation

2006-04-04T05:00:00.000-05:00

There is something about the college life that creates a trend of loss of control. In my case, I have lost control of my sleep cycle. I suppose it started more than a month ago when I stayed up till 7:30 because a few friends of mine were experimenting with a LAN (Local Area Network) setup which would not work. We spent the whole night and morning tweaking it until it started working. Of course, Murphy's law proved inevitable when the system crashed the next week but we still had some fun.

Then hell week happened. Last week was evil. Multi-paper, all of which I had put off a little longer than I should have. I more than crashed. I missed my favorite class and generally became a tired and angry person. I think this happens to other people when they go to parties and drink a lot but I have no such excuse. The ultimate result of that forsaken week was the total loss of my sleep cycle, essentially turning me nocturnal. Which is why I am sitting in a coffee shop at 3 in the morning writing in my blog. I have all my work done but damned if I can sleep. I'll go to bed after class and wake up a little after 7 PM only to repeat the whole thing. Yes I'm getting enough sleep, it's just not in the right hours.

I suppose part of college is learning to manage one's commitments and attempting to prevent this from happening but there really are too many things to do and I don't have the talent to look ahead and get things done before they must be done. Foresight is a student's best friend.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Other Things

2006-03-24T00:28:00.000-06:00

I have the attention span of a 5 year old. This is a fact that I was having trouble coming to terms with until I realized that I also have a circular attention span. Basically this boils down to: 1. I have been neglecting the Blog and 2. I am making a blog.

Well, even as I say I have been neglecting Darksong, I also have been posting more, if less in depth, entries. So thats a step in the right direction. The other mater is a tad more complex. After I started this Blog back in August, I threw together another blog called Elemental Shadows. That started as a place for me to actually journal instead of comment and rant but I deleted all the old entries to make room for an online Book of Shadows. That was one project. The other project that I embarked upon was the creation of my own Anime Blog. Anime blogs currently are places for people to review episodes of series that haven't been released in the US yet and also to post images of those series. These blogs are hard to access unless you are familiar with terminology and Anime jargon. So the goal was to create an easley accessible blog that had reviews of series, both current and classic, and helpfull breakdowns of series genres.

Thus was born, LAB Notes, or Lyrinor Anime Blog: Notes. The Blog is not quite ready for launch but it will be soon. Nevertheless, I have decided to preemptively post the link on this page (Its over there on the right) and I hope that those of you who are interested in Anime will take a look and recommend it to your friends. Nothing helps a blog along like comments in its early stages.

At any rate, wish me luck.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Transitions

2006-03-19T21:22:00.000-06:00

Well so much for posting with any regularity.

I'm back to school after spring break and I find myself thinking about relationships. I blame the season personaly. For some reason there is a biological triger when it comes to spring. A triger that screams romance. It's slightly annoying.

In lieu of acctual content, I'm going to post a poem from a collection I just aquired.

Thanksgiving

The tenderness of love is extraordinary
in that in silent ardour in embraces this one
& this one's body, her body, she, in one
her smile, her way of moving, speech, her thought
in flesh, &in her flesh herself, so holds
the other, other in her smile, her way of moving, speech, her thought
no other longer but her own true self
in love & loved at one embraced
& known.

Stefan Brecht

Thats it.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Campus Crusade for ???

2006-03-03T10:55:00.000-06:00

My college campus is embroiled in a huge fight between the Campus Crusade for Christ and the forces of... well... everyone else.

Some background is in order. Over the last two weeks, the Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC) has been running an ad campaign to promote their new website EveryStudent.com. The Ads are red signs with the URL of the website and nothing else. Not even the CCC's logo. In addition, they have written out hundreds of URLs in sidewalk chalk all over campus. Under the impression that the website might actually be for Every Student, I visited it and almost immediately found myself marginalized and insulted. To clarify, the CCC had been advertising for the whole year but this is the first time they have not put clearly labeled the signs as Christian. After some thinking, I decided to throw together a petition to have the signs removed for being false advertisement and for the insults of the website itself. The protest is going well from my end. I chose to not attack the CCC and instead attacked their ad style.

However, as of last night, an unknown organization of students launched a counter campaign where they wrote scathing comments by all the sidewalk signage. The most common is the tag line "Is not for every student." but there are others that border on really offensive. One in particular stood out: "Bigot.com." The part that my friends are having trouble with, is that I am about to launch another protest against the protesters.

The thing is, I have a serous issue with intolerance of ANY kind. Even if you are intolerant of those who are intolerant, thats still a problem. The protest I had written was critical of the sketchy nature of the Ads, not the organization in and of itself. I personally don't have a problem with the CCC. I have a problem with their misleading ads. Admittedly, I'm a little annoyed by the content of the website but people are entitled to their opinion.

It helps that I know that I'm right and their wrong, but personal assertion has always been a skill of mine.

I guess the thing that really bothers me about the whole thing is that both sides are taking the sneaky approach. The CCC signs don't have logos. The counter adds don't have any organization taking responsibility. If the two sides could sit down together in a room and be forced to talk it out, I think things would be a lot better but that's not going to happen because the CCC can't take criticism and the others are making themselves known.

At any rate, I can't wait to see how this all turns out.

Muah!

Lyrinoir

Buckshot Cheney

2006-02-22T11:46:00.000-06:00

Rant Time!
Duck.

Before I get into the meat of the rant, let me just say that I understand the nature of the U.S. News media. I understand on a conceptual level why the Today Show can bring on a victim of the Columbine Shooting and still expect it to be relevant.

That being said, why the hell is the Cheney hunting accident still in the news?! Beyond the initial news break and possible short update on Harry Whittington's condition. Instead we get stuff like this:

Secret Service agents say Cheney was drunk when he shot lawyer
By DOUG THOMPSON
Feb 22, 2006, 07:35

A written report from Secret Service agents guarding Vice President Dick Cheney when he shot Texas lawyer Harry Whittington on a hunting outing two weeks ago says Cheney was "clearly inebriated" at the time of the shooting.

Agents observed several members of the hunting party, including the Vice President, consuming alcohol before and during the hunting expedition, the report notes, and Cheney exhibited "visible signs" of impairment, including slurred speech and erratic actions, the report said.

According to those who have read the report and talked with others present at the outing, Cheney was drunk when he gunned down his friend and the day-and-a-half delay in allowing Texas law enforcement officials on the ranch where the shooting occurred gave all members of the hunting party time to sober up.

Etc.

Please note the date. Today. Wednesday. Almost two weeks after the incident in question. The worst part of all of this seems to be the fact that the media is blowing thing out of proportion because they were snubbed. The biggest part of this news story seems to be that the media didn't get to it in a reasonable amount of time. It took fourteen hours for the story to break. Fourteen hours. It wasn't too long ago when the media was happy to get a story in fourteen hours. Then the media jumped down Cheney's throat, something I wish they would have done about his connections to Haliburton or any number of other questionable things that the VP has been involved in. They accused him of trying to hide the truth and launched a full scale effort to find some more incriminating material like the above article stating that he was drunk. Fortunately for us, an 12 year old has seen through the media blitz. In one of the most salient points that has been in the media in the last two weeks, I give you the point of view of a girl from Charlotte, NC.

Dani Wheeler, 12, Grandview Middle School, : I don't think they should be criticizing him for what he did because he is just a person and we make mistakes. Plus if it were an nonfamous person than no one would care about the incident. I strongly believe that the situation has been blown out of proportion.

From the Charlotte Observer
posted on Tue, Feb. 21, 2006

Thank god for children.

I would go on but I don't think I need to. The media has made an ass of itself in a way that rivals what John Stewart did to Crossfire a few years back. And that's ultimately where the problem is. The Media has taken the story and run with it and the rest of the world is just sitting back a laughing.

Written in Hate.
Lyrinoir

Tyger Tyger...

2006-02-11T12:52:00.000-06:00

I have a candle. I got it for Valentines Day. Thank you for the candle. You know who you are.

The candle is not a candle. It has wax but no wick, flame but no fire. It is a candle of contradictions. It emits a pleasant glow but provides no heat. It will never melt but it will go out. The candle sits on my desk, next to my speakers. I turn it on at night.

It is, in fact, an electric candle. I was so delighted by its little contradictions that I promptly showed it to my Hall Adviser who promptly confiscated it. And then returned it, feeling very foolish.

There is probably some larger connection to be made here about the artificial nature of our society and how the candle is the perfect expression of the death of digital culture but I am far to entranced by it's novelty to care.

And to those people who didn't recognize the opening line of William Blake's poem, go read a book.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Something else...

2006-02-10T16:35:00.000-06:00

Well since I can't seem to get the stamina up for a full length blog, I thought I'd try a little one and get the ball roling again.

It's been a good couple of weeks. Classes are shapeing up great and I am having a great time. Everything seems to be going well. Not that you care. I've been reading a lot. Most of it ammounts to nothing but a few things have stuck out. A recent political movement in Sweeden has sparked my intrest. A man created a Pirate Party on the idea that music should be free. So we're talking information Pirates but pirates nonetheless. I look forward to where this party goes. I would like to see them in ofice. I've been focusing on fiction writeing recently which is why I haven't been bloging. I might post a thing or two in a more personal blog somewhere else but that also requires effort which is something I do not wish to commit too. Boo effort.

Well that kinda sums it up.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Something of a Mystery: Part 1

2006-01-16T03:56:00.000-06:00

One of the most basic principals of life that I have come to recognize is that there are multiple ways of looking at the same set of events. Most recently we have been repeatedly confronted with divergent politics of Liberal vs. Conservative. On a more idealistic level, this conflict has become a battle of two sets of values. The strict morality of the so-called "Right" and the humanistic values of the "Left." But these are mundane terms that have been overused and over thought in our era.

The first purpose of this is to introduce a new series of entries on viewpoints. A kind of diet philosophy as I stated in my earlier entry. This was prompted in part by a class in philosophy that I will be taking and party by, of all things, a card game. I won't go into the details but the game made me realize that looking at two primal forces in conflict was a totally valid way of looking at the world. Examples: Order and Chaos in the extreme abstract and Conservative vs. Liberal in the more here and now. But why stop there? Life vs Death, Good vs. Evil, Light vs. Dark or even Now vs. Later. All are differing ways of looking at situations or
polar opposites.

As fun as thinking in the abstract is, the key to making philosophy understood is to relate it to the real world. So part 2 of this little experiment is applying my observations to some real things. For example, linking the current confusion of Extremist religion to a conflict of Freedom vs. tradition. The possibilities are endless.

Finlay, I'll try and take the two forces I'm dealing with and flip them. These forces are not always opposed and most often are considered two sides of the same coin. I will go into what happens when you fuse two opposing philosophies and we'll see what happens.

Wish me Luck.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Auld Year, New Year

2006-01-04T22:06:00.000-06:00

Well the holidays have come and gone and I am none the worse for wear. Despite the efforts of a blizzard to ground me and about 5 days of persistent travel I made it home to the loving dysfunction of family life. Ahhh... It's hard to imagine why I enjoy college.

Got my sister a book of teen poems full of angst and the like. Good times.

I'm setting up for a series of blogings on different ways of looking at the world. It's kinda like diet philosophy. Look forward to them.

Hope you all had great holidays and that your New Year will be at least as pleasant as last year.

Here we go again.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Homecoming

2005-12-14T08:41:00.000-06:00

I'm headed home again. Finals are done and I'm packing. I have a wedding to go to in a few days and I have to get ready. But all this activity is kinda background noise to the real issues. My sister was nearly hospitalized for various reasons that are not going to be published. I'm more than a little concerned and even though she's stabilized, I can't help but feel cut off from her when she needs her family. I'll probably see her tonight but that also depends on if she can get the flight home tonight.

The part of me that can function while I'm otherwise on high alert reminded me that I needed to get gifts. I guess I need to go shopping.

I had the intention of reviewing Aeon Flux today but I can't really focus. I had also intended to do a Christmas rant but I can seem to get the energy up to do that either.

And over and over the words repeat in my head; "Let God be what he wanna be in your life."

System error. Check disks and try again.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Blue

2005-12-02T01:42:00.000-06:00

I have always associated blue with knowledge and intellect. Most of the rest of the world sees blue as the color of sorrow. Whatever the color means, I feel as if I have been looking at the world through a blue lens these past few days.

Isolation. That's a good place to start. There has been as sense of isolation that has settled over the whole campus. People are pulling into themselves after coming back from their families. The energy of the whole area is diminished as students prepare for the finals and look forward to the winter break.

All this introspection, added to the stress of finals and everything else has reduced me to an exhausted heap and I really need sleep. So no deep analysis tonight. I'll do a X-mass rant sometime and then its on to the break. Good luck on your finals my friends.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Holy-day

2005-11-22T16:12:00.000-06:00

There is something disgusting about the way that America commercializes all the major holidays. I know it's been said before but if I don't say it, I won't be able to stand myself in the morning so here we go.

On a scale of one to ten, Thanksgiving isn't really that bad. Give it a five. Most of the hype that Turkey Day gets is in the form of sports events or shopping the day after. It's less about the holiday and more about the associated events. Of course, that could be because there is no gifting directly associated with Thanksgiving. No candy, no flowers, and no gifts. So the manufacturers made the day after the big day because you are now "Running out of time before X-mas."

So we go shopping. Hell, I go shopping. The deals are great and aside from the legions of bargain hunters it is very easy to have a good time. You shop, you buy and you get that perfect gift. Not a bad time in my book. The problem is those legions of shoppers. What could be a perfect day spent shopping with friends or family becomes a rat race to clear the bargain bin and snag the veritable Blue Light Special. It becomes this orgy of consumerism at its worst. People stop thinking of others and start looking for the items that they just "Have to have." And to at insult to injury, Christmas is a month away!

I guess I just want to say, do your shopping later. Let the feeling of the season sink in. Even if the event that Thanksgiving is based on is total mook, it doesn’t mean that we can't make something of it. Take a breath and smell the pumpkin pie.

Have a very happy Thanksgiving all.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Nota Bene

I will be heading down to Texas for the week, so the blog is taking a few days off. Posts will start up again no sooner than Monday. Later.

Madonna of the Dancefloor

2005-11-15T03:40:00.000-06:00

So the new Madonna CD came out today and I was up at 3 am leeching the CD off the P2P networks. I love the CD. The whole thing is very Euro and great. ABBA samples, trance vibes and Madonna's vocals. And best of all, no annoying Madonna Rap. Where's the down side? Well... there is the fact that she's still wearing that irritating red string on her wrist. Crazy Hollywood cult Kabala.

Anyway, check out Confessions on a Dance Floor, the new Madonna album. I give it a 9 out of 10 but I like dance music so take it with a grain of salt.

I don't really have the energy to post the rest of the blog right now but you can look forward to next time when I try to prove that God cannot exist because of Theists trying to prove that he exists. The irony is delicious.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Exodus from LIfe

2005-11-13T19:35:00.000-06:00

Ok so maybe exodus is a bit extreme but I think a break from life would be really great right now. Oh well. On to the blog.

I have noticed that many people pretend to be much stupider than they really are. For example, the majority of my Lit 112 class are intelligent if not eloquent students who do their reading and, more often than not, have great insights into the text. However, the class usually remains silent while a few people speak their minds. The phenomena is not unique to my Lit class. Even in high school, there was an aversion to speaking out in a class. Previously I believed that this was caused by students not wanting to appear dumb if they got an answer wrong but I am beginning to believe that there may be an aversion to appearing smart.

One of the students in the class piqued my interest when he inadvertently made some very astute observations about the nature of love while discussing some sonnets. Normally he would spend his class time making fun of the reading and chatting about whatever parties were going on and even after making the observations I mentioned, he clammed up and made fun of his own answers.

When I think about it, it kind of makes sense. Our culture is back-flowing from the kind of social/political awareness that was rampant in the Sixties and Seventies. In an era of mass information sharing, the individual’s knowledge becomes less important than the data of the collective. Culturally speaking, this has manifested in a trend away from the abstract intellectual arts and a focus on "busy-work" subjects like math and science. But among the youth, a trend to appear less intelligent in general is coming into existence. From the Rap and Hip-Hop artists advocating "getting stupid" on the dance floor to individual students choosing to remain silent in class, the trend is becoming almost epidemic.

Socrates put forth a method of teaching, known as the Socratic Method, that encouraged every student to speak his or her mind in a commune like setting of teachers and students. Socrates believed that it was essential for every student to make the idea his own before the knowledge was understood. In the modern education system, which encourages memorization and repetition of facts, the concept of wisdom and personal growth are erased by systematic implantation of data. The problem that we have faced for years is now being compounded by students refusing to take part in what interactive portions of class exist today.

I don't have the answers to this problem but realizing that there is a problem is half the battle, right? That being said, I do my best to speak up every day in every class I take. It's not much, but it's a start.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Uber Rant 01

2005-11-07T10:47:00.000-06:00

Long time no see. Rant time. Duck. I hate alcohol. I hate the culture it breeds. I hate what it does to people. I hate what it does to my room! Total hatred. I decided to go dancing on Saturday and myself and a few friends went to a local nightclub/bar where the dance floor tends to be pretty hot. It was great until around 1:00 AM when the number of really drunk people started to outnumber the number of tipsy people and no fewer than six girls crashed into me while falling to the ground. Do NOT wear heels when drinking! Now I don't drink, so I was perfectly sober at this point. Everything just went downhill from there. The whole place got really crowded and we took off. I got back to my dorm at 2:30ish and opened my door to find my roommate had vomited all over the floor and promptly passed out without doing even a basic cleanup. I promptly left the room and spent the night in a friend's room. Later I would discover that one of my texts had been vomited on and my computer bag had been splashed. When I came back in the morning, my roommate had cleaned up a little but the room still smells bad 2 days later. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but he has a responsibility, as do I, to keep the room livable and comfortable for both of us. If someone is unable to keep control of himself then he shouldn't be in the room.

As a means of solving the problem, I have requested that he no longer come to the room when he is drunk. He is a member of a fraternity (where he does a lot of his drinking) and can find a room there. I do not believe I am being very unreasonable here. If he cannot maintain the self-awareness to keep the room clean or at least clean up after himself, he should not be in the room.

More annoying than the physical disgust that I am incurring, is the extreme depression I have knowing that my roommate is one of the people who gets terribly drunk. I cannot directly fault underage drinking because too many of my friends do it and are, for the most part, none the worse for wear. However, there is a difference between social drinking and Drinking. I cannot abide the mass consumption of alcohol by anyone. Friends or myself. To consume liquor to the point of total loss of control is unacceptable.

For the first time in my life, I find myself supporting the prohibition movement and that is absolutely unacceptable.

Written in hate,
Lyrinoir

Pester Pester

2005-10-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

There are a few things that people have been bothering me about so I decided to post a response.

#1. "Fix your picture. It's not showing up."
Well I would be delighted to fix my picture if I knew what the hell was wrong with it. It seems that Blogger, the people who host my blog because I am too cheap, have an issue with the way things are currently set up. Which is unfortunate. For the moment, there is no picture and there will not be for the foreseeable future. Deal with it.

#2. "Um, you have a good blog and all but what does Lyrinoir mean?"
Ah yes. The esoteric pseudonym, Lyirnoir. That has a bit of history which you don't need to know but it will fill up a post so you are going to hear it. About 6 years ago, I started getting into online games a lot. Things like Starcraft and Anarchy Online. For these games, it is important to have a screen name that is both original and meaningful on some level. Admittedly, many people have really inane SNs but for a true gamer, there is kind of joy in finding that one name that fits you and no one else has.

For a while I went under the name Xancha. Xancha was not an original creation but rather a character from the Magic the Gathering CCG universe. It kind of bugged me that my name wasn't original but no one else commented so I kept it for a while. Maybe three years ago, I started experimenting with original name based in English and came up with Lyric. Lyric emphasized a love of music and the Lyric SN quickly became the standard for my SN. About a year later a metaphorical brick fell on my head and Lyrinoir was born.

Lyrinoir is, as you have probably guessed, a fusion of Lyric and the French word Noir, meaning black. Thus you get Lyrinoir or dark song. Other names have cropped up in recent months. Viatera became one of my mainstays. Stemming from Latin, Viatera literaly becomes "Way of the Earth" Faralyn is another favorite of mine. Faralyn doesn’t have any real meaning but instead suggests the idea of distance. Other names I have gone by include: Shalomar, (a reference to the terrible action show, Mutant X) Sharshona, Tsukikage, (Japanese for moon shadow) Mahorem, (a combination of Latin and Japanese meaning Magic Thing) and Achnax.(the reversed Xancha)

With so many names, it is sometimes hard to figure out who I am if you run into me online. But now you have a better idea of "Why Lyrinoir?" and a better look at me in general. Hope you enjoyed it!

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Good Tideings of EVIL!

2005-10-22T18:32:00.000-05:00

Well All Hollow’s Eve is fast approaching and I can't wait. This is one of the greatest nights of the year and not only because of the candy. All Hollow’s Eve, or Halloween as we call it originally started as the Festival of Samhain. It was on this day that the world of the dead was closest to the world of the living. Many cultures would celebrate by leaving feasts out for the dead to enjoy and praying to their ancestors for a kind winter. Samhain was originally associated with the Autumnal Equinox, which was earlier this month. However, like many holidays connected with the Natural Calendar, (Christmas for example) the date got fixed to separate the event from its "Pagan" origins.

The tradition of Trick or Treating stemmed from an old story that had a spirit going from house to house in a village, asking each person if the spirit was remembered fondly or with hatred. But like many holiday tradition the specifics of the practice were lost and got absorbed by candy companies in order to sell more candy.

From a more spiritual perspective, All Hollow’s Eve represents the beginning of the 'dark months.' Winter fast approaches and we must all remember to keep our families and friends close in the time of cold. Fortunate, another great tradition is right around the corner. The Harvest Festival. More commonly known as Thanksgiving, the Harvest Festival was considered to be the last big bash before winter proper set in. While most cultures set the festival earlier in the year, it is the same no mater when it is held. It is a time for family, friends and great food.

But enough education. Let it be known that the Holiday Season has begun. Best wishes to all my readers and please don't start your shopping until December!

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Mumble Mumble

2005-10-18T08:10:00.000-05:00

So my roommate talks in his sleep. And I mean TALKS. His current record is 15 short phrases that may or may not have had anything to do with anything. It's rather amusing. He also will respond if I say things. For instance, if I ask what, 9 times out of 10 he will repeat what he just said. If ask him things, he tends to respond to questions. I enjoy trying to make his disjointed rambling make sense.

In other news, I am up way too late again. Wee!

Muah!
Lyrinoir

A New Low

2005-10-17T01:45:00.000-05:00

Guess what? I have enough hits that I am now getting Blog Spam! Yes, thats right. Comment based Blog Spam. I've been deleting it so everyone dosn't have to deal with it but if you see any, please just ignore it and DO NOT CLICK THE LINKS. Such activities only encourge them and infect your computer with nasty spyware. So stay and read, leave a comment and go away. No linking.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Post-something Daze

2005-10-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

If I did drugs, I imagine what I am feeling now is not unlike coming off a high. Here's the rundown.

Listening to the DJ Tjesto Mix of Sarah McLachlan's Sweet Surrender. It's the day after my birthday. Things have finally settled back down. My roommate is gone for the evening. Life is quiet tonight. I'm just awake enough to be cogent but not quite awake enough to do anything like reading or serious web-surfing.

But as I am not really awake enough to be writing this either... I'm going to leave it here for the night and come back tomorrow to post a reflection on... what I am thinking about.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Where have I been?

2005-10-14T01:57:00.000-05:00

And the honest answer is I don't really know. I was home until Tuesday but then I was in limbo all of Wednesday and tonight I'm not really sure that I exist at all.

The university held a Major/Minor fair where undecided people like me could try and pick something for once in their useless lives. Ironically the only one who thought about changing his major was my roommate who already had a major. Electrical Engineering to Business. Where is the logic in that?

By pure chance, my laptop's left mouse button broke the same week that I got a new mouse. The new mouse is sleek and sexy as all hell. It has eight buttons which is five more than I know what to do with and so I have had fun re-mapping my buttons to link to odd websites. For example, button 7 now opens this blog.

Someone in my dorm had both of the major Spice Girl albums and I have been listening to them for about 4 hours now.

Today is a happy day as I discovered that Kyo Kara Maoh was licensed by Funimation a few months back. This will be the first Yaoi series that has come out in quite some time and I have joined the legions of giddy Fangirls in hailing Funimation as the new King of Distro. If you aren’t Otaku, don't ask.

On a final note, I hate firewalls.

That is all

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Homeward Bound

2005-10-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

Yep! I'm going home for the weekend. That's it. End of story. Plane leaves in 3 hours. Untill I finish packing, I'm not writeing anymore.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Star Struck... Oww!

2005-09-29T03:10:00.000-05:00

In one of the few instances I have actually had to live vicariously through a friend of mine, my best friend, Kate, had her picture taken with one of the Holy Trinity of hot movie guys: Orlando Bloom. Not only that, but she got to sit in on his interview and generally be where 1,000,000 screaming Legolas Fangirls (and me) would love to be.

This rare honor, bestowed upon my friend, has left me so dumbstruck that I am at a loss as to what else to write. I was planning on something cynical and biting about the movie industry when I sat down but it all seems to have fled my head. I do remember I was going to attempt to break out into a huge musical number, only to discover that my sound budget had been slashed, whereupon I would curse the blog for its lack of paying me money to write for my own pleasure. The irony, of course, is that I, in fact, love Hollywood culture and couldn't possibly do a musical number even if I had a budget.

Having thusly amused you into forgetting I used to have points in these posts, I need to make a few notes. One: Got your message Goldom. Expect an E-mail or something. Two: Being sick is the worst thing that can happen to a college student so... *big breath* SEND ME COOKIES!

Three is a touch more serious. To my family in Houston: I hope everything is getting better and with some speed. I got some e-mails saying that everyone was OK and I hope that nothing changes that. Good luck and I will see you all in about two months. For readers elsewhere, I ask that you turn a kind thought towards Texas and do whatever you can to help the relief efforts for both Rita and Katrina. Thank you all.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Edit: Wow it's late/early. Why am I up this late?

Cold Redux

2005-09-26T13:56:00.000-05:00

Having gotten over my cold, I have come down with another one. Woo! This school makes it very difficult to take a day off from classes. You have to be dieing of something if you want to miss a class. Not that this is a bad thing. I just wish I wasn't in class right now. I wish I was sleeping but you can't always get what you want. So it goes. I have this image in my head of the dorms being this huge microbial battlefield with platoons of streptococcus vying for my bloodstream. It’s a fun thought.

The topic today is why do we like what we like. Why do I enjoy classical music while my roommate can't stand it? Why do I enjoy reading when the majority of the population today prefers watching TV? Obviously, some people have different tastes but why isn't there an universal media that everyone can enjoy? Some kind of music that could appeal to everyone.

Recently I have come to enjoy the sound of the Black Eyed Peas. Their music is a fusion of Hip Hop and Pop that really crosses normal music boundaries. I don't listen to Rap or Hip Hop normally but for some reason, the BEP sound really appeals to me.

I would ask you all if there is some kind of music or TV that you like that you think you wouldn't normally like. I would like to find out if we have a common denominator for music. This may be futile but I would like to anyway. Indulge me.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

"Like the deserts miss the rain."

2005-09-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

I love the rain. So after a week of hot, but muggy, conditions this morning's blessing of a deluge was wonderful. In a lot of ways, today was such a relief. Which was odd in itself because Mondays and I do not get along. So going down the list, it rained. Woo! I ended the quiet standoff between me and my roommate for the time being. Finally! The crazy cold was defeated by the power of positive thinking and the wonderful drugs that are available in this time of medical wonders! Yay Nyquil!

But, as the Hindu teachings tell us, we live in a world of duality. With pleasure, there must also be pain and today's came in the form of a pang of homesickness. I received an e-mail from a teacher from my high school and for probably the first time, I missed it. I really miss my close friends. I haven't talked to any of them since Tuesday. My AIM client caught a virus and I spent the week digging out copies of the worm. No fun. And more importantly, no chatting. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not totally isolated, I just have been cut off from my oldest, dearest friends. We could call each other but none of us are good about phones in general. You know who you are.

So I write a shout out to all my buddies. It's time for me to do some work.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Dead time

2005-09-15T23:05:00.000-05:00

I'm falling apart at the seams. First, apologies for the lack of blogage over the past week or so. I died in a very not real sense. Bad week in terms of time and such. Second, apologies for not bloging next week. I have caught the plague (common cold) and am dieing a slow and painful death (sniffing and coughing lost). That’s all I'm going to write. It's too late as it is. Sleep is key.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Potentials I

2005-09-07T13:58:00.000-05:00

“What are human beings capable of?” I am studying Greek history and culture for like the sixth time. The professor has asked this question. I am sitting in the class room, about to fall asleep because I have heard it all before when this question jars my brain into action. What are we capable of? I am capable of writing, so I start to write. I can’t help but feel that we, as a species, aren’t living up to our full potential. We, for the most part, live ordinary lives, doing dull jobs. If we are lucky, we get a good or a great job and can enjoy ourselves a little. But for the most part, we live vicariously through the existences of a few great people.

We put on our yellow rubber bracelets and pretend we overcame cancer like Lance. We dress up and wear designer clothes and makeup to feel like J-Lo. How many of us fail to live up to our potentials? Our ideals? The rates of adult and teenage depression have been climbing in recent years. Why? I propose that it is because we are no longer able to achieve our dreams. Or rather, we have forgotten how to dream. We are faced with an overwhelming tide of realism. Realism, of course, is pessimism in a tie and blazer.

But what can we do? What can we do to change our selves to achieve our full potential? I don’t know. I’m just a kid in college. What the hell do I know? I know that I have no idea of what I want to do in 20 years and I’m fine with that. I know that I know very little about the world around me. But I want to know more. That is my goal: To know more about life and the world around me. It is this desire to know more about the world that we live in that remakes the average human from a simple beast into a great creature with a change to change the world.

I would like put out a call to rethink the way we perceive reality. Instead of seeing a world of olds, we need to see a world of unknowns. A world that remains to be discovered. Changing the way the world appears is the first step in started to realize our creative potential.

This entry is the first in a series. More will come as I research the topic and come up with more ideas.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Coffee and the heart of the matter

2005-09-06T20:32:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more intoxicating for a writer than feedback. Admittedly, some of us pretend to hate the stuff and claim to write purely for ourselves, but their lying. Badly. The recent rash of comments has been like manna for a starving desert wanderer. I love it. So I am sitting in a coffee shop, heaven to artists everywhere, trying to bypass my school's firewall and writing. And its isn't one of those terrible Starbucks chains either. It's a real coffee shop. With hyper college students and creepy artsy people. Yay!

Um... I wrote tonight's post earlier today so it doesn’t quite mesh up with current reality. Deal with it.

What is cool? Is it cool to listen to a type of music? Is it cool to dress a certain way? Is it cool to be cool?

I’m taking a communication class that questions the essence of cool. Cool, the professor claims, is more and more a product of mass communication companies like Viacom and AOL Time Warner. Now I’m not saying that I’m not a victim of this overly marked world that we live in, but I would like to believe that I can see through some of the hype. Now I’m finding out that the agencies account for smart people seeing through the hype and to the layers below. They create more and more intricate advertisements to pierce the human mind.

I think that it’s cool to be individual, but that coolness may have been manufactured. It may have been the advertisers themselves who came up with this idea of individual coolness. To believe in self may not be my idea but a global campaign to enhance the idea of cool.

So what is cool? I like vertical stripes on shirts. I love soundtracks to plays and TV shows. I hate rap. I love techno. Is techno cool? I don’t think so, but that doesn’t stop me from liking it. Is sexy cool? I’m not sexy. At least I don’t think so. Is cool sexy? Does wearing the right clothes, the right hairstyle, make me cool?

No matter how much I think about it, I can’t get a good read on what really is cool and not cool. I know that a lot of what I do is not cool, but at the same time, cool people sometimes look up to me for being cool or, at the very least, more interesting than they are. Do my idiosyncrasies make me cool? I believe that I am pretty individual compared the average person.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Weak End

2005-09-04T00:15:00.000-05:00

Wow... this week went really fast. I'm not really ready to post something but if I don't I'll probably hurt myself later. So here we go.

Today we are going to discuss the travesty of fraternities. I have a problem with what is termed "Greek Life" on college campuses. Not that I'm the only one. I'm not. Right? It's rush weekend here and at a couple dozen schools across this nation. Somewhere between 1000 and 10,000 (being very vague because I haven't had time to do my research) college students are at a frat or sorority party as I write this. My roommate is one of them.

One of these days, he's going to find out how much I write about him and the shit will really hit the fan.

These parties are long and invariably involve drinking and occasionally other drugs. Now I realize that as I write this, while I may be a paragon of virtue, I am also sitting alone on a Saturday night, bloging and dealing with my Facebook account. So I may be a bit out of my element here. I don't have a problem with that. If I went to one of these parties, I would invariably get hit on by a drunk girl and that would be very awkward. It always is. I've kind of gotten used to it.

But this is not meant to be an entry of resentment. I'm not jealous. It's more that I'm honestly worried for the people who go and party at these things. I am constantly hearing stories of cops busting up parties or crazy parties where people get far too drunk for their own good. Example, once again, my roommate, who has come back drunk every weekend night and also Thursday night this week. His hangovers are equally bad and equally funny for me to watch. The disturbing bit is that he has started lying to his long distance girlfriend about his party/drinking habits. The worst being when he talks to her while drunk. Those are the times when I have to leave the room.

Speaking of my room, it has also become a party place for the campus freshmen, who congregate here after the police have shut down the big parties. More recently, clever freshmen have found a way to sneak rather large quantities of liquor into the room. I woke up yesterday to find six cans of beer and a bottle of "Bacardi Razz" in various states of emptiness around the room. Then I looked in the fridge.

I guess I blame these massive Greek parties for most of my problems but that may or may not be true. Certainly there are other factors. My roommate's hyperactive social life, our room's inherent coolness, (both in actual temperature and decoration) and my unfortunate contribution of a Facebook group (Club 418) that now boasts 20 member and a new one every day. I have garnered a reputation as a force of order in the chaotic club when I unilaterally kicked everyone out of my room at 3:00 last night. Personally, I would rather be seen as a nasty dictator. Then they wouldn't all come.

On that note, I am retreating to Vana'Diel before the party gets started in here. Have a more peaceful night than me.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

On Text

2005-08-31T23:42:00.000-05:00

So much reading. You have no idea how much reading. It's scary. First; I am taking 5 classes in the humanities. That equals at least 20 pages per class. Then you make one of them a Lit class and the pages double. Add to that a Civ class that is also my composition class and you get in excess of 150 pages per night in rather thick texts. But that’s just me whining. Onto the entry.

One of the byproducts of the excessive reading is a huge number of, what I consider, and interesting ideas to blog on. One of them was the fundamentals problem of getting teens to talk in class. I don't mean over the teacher either. Participations in the class are a problem everywhere you go. Well maybe not everywhere... but you get the idea. In my Intro to COM class, we started discussing the fundamentals of classroom communication. Most people don't really like to put themselves out on a limb and talk in class because the social pressure is to appear less intelligent than they are. Current social patterns among the younger generations encourage stupidity. The recent Black Eyed Peas' hit Let's Get It Started was originally titled Let's Get Retarded and that lyric still exists in the song. In California, dance styles Hyphy and Krunk encourage dances to get really drunk so that the moves take on a life of their own. The two styles both mean stupid dancing and are rooted in drug and alcoholic cultures.

On television, the sitcom has always made fun of the stupid character but in recent movies and TV programs, the dumb ones are coming out on top more often. Examples like Ronnie and Michelle's High School Reunion Bring it On and Model Behavior, and TV show like Stacked and even Reba make fun of the ignorant but also reward them for a kind of innocence.

In the classroom, no such reward exists for those who appear dumber than they are. So, instead talking and breaking from a social pressure, students remain quiet and preface their few responses with "I don't know, but..." or "Um... well... I guess..." Now I'm not trying to say that everyone who does this is playing dumb. Certainly not everyone is suited for every class they take and there will be times when student legitimately don't know anything about a topic. In these circumstances, what should be happening is a question and answer dialogue between teacher and student or for the whole class to ask question and bounce ideas around. Instead, the lapse of wit becomes a jeering session for the smarter people in the class who knew the answers but wouldn't speak up when it would have hurt their images.

I make it a goal to speak at least once in every class and it's quite easy for me to do so, mostly because I have things to say. Even when I don't, it's important to ask questions and be able to catch um with the discussion topics.

More worrisome to me than the class behavior is the cultural inclination to act stupid. This is one issue that must be faced if the current education system is going to keep working.

SIDENOTE: And back to the business of me. People have started to leave comments. It's been almost two months since this blog went live and I would like to thank all my readers and especially those who left comments. I hope I keep up with your standards.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Alchohol and Other Things

2005-08-28T21:31:00.000-05:00

I have begun to notice that I am drunk. Of course, because I don't drink, this is purely metaphysical drunkenness. I was referring to the reason people drink in college. E.g. to have fun/remove inhibitions that would prevent fun having. On a broader level, people drink to remove fear. In college that fear is the fear of social awkwardness. I am drunk because I use another controlled substance to destroy my fear. That substance is a combination of acting (lying for a better class of people) and cynicism (hate for a more verbose class of people).

Some background is in order. I have a roommate, Kyle, who enjoys getting drunk. On this past weekend he got drunk Friday and Saturday night and is probably having a drink right now. I had a conversation with one of his friends about why I didn't drink. Long story short, he said he drunk to remove tension from a party. I contested that I didn't need drinks to have a good time. Which is true. I need music. Off the point. Later, when I thought about it, I realized that it wasn't really true. To replace the false confidence that alcohol would give me, I use acting to put a different face on. Someone who wouldn't be embarrassed by the situation. For me, this is a simple task, one I hardly think about. In fact it is rare for me to have a day when I don't use acting at some point. Only a few chosen friends see the real me. That's why I say I am drunk. The philosophy behind getting drunk and acting are the same. Remove fear.

Humans fear a lot of things. One of the caveats of having large brains is an increased capacity for fear and worry. We fear for the future, we fear our social lives and most importantly, we fear ourselves. When you look at if from this perspective, it's a miracle everyone isn't a alcoholic or an actor. The amount of self control it takes to overcome this inborn fear is astounding to comprehend.

Not that I approve of excessive drinking. There is a point where it isn't healthy. But it's really not my place to lecture everyone on healty or unhealthy habits.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Late Night Dancer Funk

2005-08-27T01:22:00.000-05:00

So my roommate and I redcorated our room with blacklight and a strobe light, creating the party room of our hall. Club 418. It is now 1:23 AM and the room is... "Jumpin." I hate Rap Music. Really and truely.

I got my laptop and it's working now which is the only reason I am even able to record this... night. One of the intersting things about my new computer is that it can be a TV reciever with a little work. It came with a remote control for that reason. My roommates computer is IR active. I, therefore, can control his computer wiht my remote. This is the only reason the party hasn't brought the cops down on us. I have been reducing the vollume of the music throughout the night. Good times.

Oh well. Share my pain.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Little Touches of Insanity

2005-08-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

I just finished my first day of college level classes and I have come to the opinion that I love the little touches of insanity that each professor has. The little idiosyncrasies and habits that make a class fun and strange. I can't really give you any examples right now because of the time it would take but look forward to an entry about them later.

It looks like I'll have to re-work my posting setup. One: I don't have time to post every day now. Two: I don't have anything interesting to say that I can condense into an entry that I can type in the time I have. This will become easier once I get my laptop and I won't have to go the Library every time I want to blog stuff.

For the time being, deal with it. I'm too tired to right now so I'll have you do it for me.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Moving and such

2005-08-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

Quick entry:

Sunday: Moved into dorm at Bradley U in Peoria, IL. Weather was hot and I died. End of day

Monday: 1:00 AM, was woken up by a room full of crazy party people and a strobe light.

Monday: 3:00 AM, was woken up again by some ladies from a nearby hall looking to bother my roommate. Received strange note from one of said ladies asking to be my "Gunslinger Girl." Laughed for about an hour.

Monday: Finished moving in and shopping. Lots of fun. Wrote quick entry on blog.

More college fun when my brain revives.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

"I know we're cool"

2005-08-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

So there are two days left till I leave and I can't help feeling like I've left some loose ends. In fact, the closer I get, the less time I seem to have. I can't belive it took a genius to figure out that time is relative.

I'm guilty of letting a lot of my friendships go stagnant and I have left far too much too be done here to leave yet. This entry is kinda to make up for failing in a few of these areas.

One - To Aaron: I kinda failed to say goodbye to you. Not that we're going to be out of touch by any means but still... I feel a formal farewell and good luck is necessary.

Two - To Kiki: Well I let things slide on my end. I promise to make it up to you over x-mas break.

Three - To Steph: We didn't get a chance to talk at the party but I wanted to tell you that you will have a great time and to call me if it gets rough. I am always here for you. Muah!

Four - To Reid: I really f*scked things up between us last year. You have no idea how much that bothers me. Call me and lets try to work things out.

Five - To Jas: Wow. I made a friend I never thought I would. Let's make a pact to stay in touch and always buy wonderfully inappropriate clothing. Much love.

Six - To Travis: I need to say this but I can't to your face. You hurt me but it was my fault too. I owe you an apology and probably something more but you never called me so you don't get anything.

Finally - Erik: Talking has always been a problem for us. I just wanted you to know that I love you so much and I will miss you dearly. Please call me or drop me an E-Mail.

Gwen Stefani may have totally lost her mind but there is a reason her song is the title of this entry. I have had many friends over the years and many loved ones. I guess this is kind of a call to say that I regret some of the things that have happened to us over the years but I know our friendship will stay strong. I love you all.

Muah!
Lyrinor

The Surreal Life

2005-08-09T21:43:00.000-05:00

Twelve days left. It seems both an eternity and a blink of an eye. Please pardon the excessive use of cliché in this entry. It is a cliché subject. I'm leaving for college. These things happen but I am struck now with an incredible sense of surrealism. It's almost as if I have been split in two. One part of me is very exited by the whole thing and can't wait to get on the plane next Sunday. This is the part of me that has taken over these past few days as I go about buying the things I need and making sure that I get to school with books and bedding and such. At the same time there is another me who is, not scared but, wanting to remain the same. To fall back into the stability that I had created for myself. This persona has been taking a backstage role in all the chaos that is happening. The creepy bit is I can almost feel me watching myself sometimes.

I blame this totally on a breakdown of my mental process, caused by... well, chaos. It's a breakdown in the way I operate. I guess a lot of people are undergoing this. For me it's manifested mostly as an inability to keep social plans organized. Not the most important of things but as I approach a time when I won't be able to see these people anymore, it seems I should at least try to see them one last time.

I have also started to listen to bad summer ballads which is inexcusable, no mater the circumstances.

They all touch on the idea of a lost summer love, which is cheesy, but at the same time I can't help feeling a kind of connection. Not about love but with friendship. I have also been trying to talk to people I have met over summers past, either at camps or at conventions. I feel very much like a spider, sitting at the center of a very large web, pulling at strings to see if the outer parts of the web are still intact. It's a long process.

I guess the one thing I have been hesitant to write about on this blog is my relationships but that is also a part of what is happening to me. I've been getting over what a friend of mine called, "My first love: unrequited." Which is a really dramatic way of saying a big crush. The thought of leaving with out bringing that to a close has really been bothering me.

But I won't bore you with lots of details. I'm sure that everyone goes through a time like this. It's what makes us human.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Faith

2005-08-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

My friend Goldom has lost his faith in humanity. Or rather that he never had it. It came up today during a discussion over teamwork. I was advocating that we trust our teammates to get their assigned jobs done and he was cretin they wouldn't and felt that we would be sunk by trusting them. In this particular situation, everyone came through but the fact that Goldom didn't believe in everyone else was a little disturbing. I did some personal reflection and found, despite my optimistic outlook today, I mostly don't believe in people. Sure, I trust people to handle themselves but I have a problem letting them take control of something that affects me. I've always had some trust issues but I didn't think that it applied to mundane things like work. Despite this realization, I think I have a healthy attitude toward people. I'm not a total pessimist and it's far better to be right about someone than it is to be disappointed by them.

Total lack of faith in people is still somewhat troublesome. Although, the events of the past five years have caused me some doubt about humanity in general, total loss of faith seems irrational. Sure, for every competent person out there, there are 10 more messing up but even the average Joe has something to contribute to society. I am certainly no perfect human but I do try to think about these things, which probably puts me in the top half of our countries inhabitants. I guess my point is that everyone has some redeeming feature, no matter how useless they may seem.

And I call myself a cynic. That was positively... cheery. Augh...

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Rosette in Black

2005-08-05T18:33:00.000-05:00

I got the last DVD of Chrono Crusade (Chrno Crusade in Japan) today and now I'm all depressed. I won't spoil the ending but I will say that far too many main characters died. It was like reading the last two Harry Potter books, smushed into a half hour segment. Bleh.

On the plus side, I also got Steamboy, which was pleasing in a childish way. I had heard of Cyberpunk but this was my first experience with Steampunk. It was refreshing.

Such is existence. Balance between Yin and Yang, depression and uplift.

That's all for today. My life feels boring for the moment.

Muah!Lyrinoir

Datalinks

2005-08-03T19:34:00.000-05:00

I am struck at just how digital I have become. Maintaining my blog, posting on my forums (3 of them) checking in with The Facebook. Not to mention E-mail, (9 accounts) IM, (200+ contacts) MMORPGs (3 currently) and reading my webcomics, keeping up with current events and just browsing. I can't live without at least 3 hours set aside to keep everything straight. Well maybe 2.5 hours. Keep in mind that I am currently operating off a 56k modem. You can see the fun time, can't you? At the same time I have to notice that, while I am certainly on the extreme end of internet usage, most people spend a significant amount of time online. Particularly the younger generations.

The internet has offered us much in the way of communication. I now can send a message to all of the 400+ contacts I have in my 9 E-mail accounts in less than two minuets. While writing the entries for this blog takes some time (about a half hour per entry) it only takes few seconds to publish them, letting everyone with an internet connection, who reads English, to see them. And that's with a 56k connection! Not that I have a problem with my speed. My only problem is with my ISP, AOL. Which has stolen the souls of me and my family to provide more verisimilitude for the "You've got mail!" chime which I have come to loath. At the same time, AOL has provided more opportunities for connectivity than almost anyone else. AIM is the most used IM service online and it spawned a legion of copycats, from the complicated ICQ to the cloned MSN Messenger. Kids and teens make the most use of these IM services but even my techno illiterate mother now uses AIM to keep in touch with my sister and our extended family.

But as much as the wonderful World Wide Web keeps us in touch with friends and family over great distances, it also divorces us from our local surroundings. I am a perfect example, spending an excessive amount of time just keeping up with online commitments. A recent MMOG (Massively Multiplayer Online Game) set up a message which appears every time someone logged in. The message was a warning advising players not to become too engrossed with the world of the game. It advised that players make time to go outside and spend time with RW (real world) friends and family. While it may seem trite, such messages are based on actual events. The game Everquest (aka Evercrack for it's addictive nature) boasted some players who were logged in more than 10 hours a day. Because of the nature of the game, players became engrossed with a living, mutable world that they could directly control. Other game aren’t as infamous but are equally addictive. The online game of Diablo II is the best example of a micro economy forming around a game. Because of the nature of items in the game, it became possible for high level players to acquire high level items and sell them to low level players for real money. The transactions took place in online auction houses or on websites built for the purpose. People could actually make real money by playing a game. Such people could isolate themselves totally from the world around them, becoming completely net-based.

Such examples are extremes but as fads like online grocery shopping and home delivery become more and more common, it is not a great stretch to see a world where people don't leave their houses. Dire predictions aside, what we are witnessing is a marked separation of cyber-world and real world interactions. As the virtual distance between people decreases, the real distance increases. The online domain is becoming smaller and smaller while the real world becomes more difficult to navigate. The increase in gas prices and added difficulty to travel in general only serve to further this gap. Why fly for a business trip when the deal can be made via teleconferencing and E-mail?

One of the possible futures we face today is that of a truly Virtual World. An existence where all human life is confined to houses or cocoons, existing freely in cyberspace, while advanced robots care for us. While this Matrix like future may seem out there and impossible, we are already taking the steps to put it into effect.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Setup.exe

2005-08-02T19:43:00.000-05:00

I need to re-learn HTML.

So I think I have a system for this blog now. I'll try to update at least once a day. Those updates will be more personal and simple. At the same time I'll try to have something a little more meaningful on the back burner at all times. In theory, every third day or so, I'll post a reflection on current events, a short rant, or a review of something (theater, TV, movies ect). We'll see how well this works out. If you want to see a topic in one of these more serious posts, leave a comment or drop me a line (e-mail is in the profile) and I'll see what I can do. I'm still in the experimental phase here so comments and suggestions would be helpful. I'm also looking for a co-writer or something. Someone to provide contrast to me and add new stuff so you don't have to read me drone on and on about... whatever. Again, send me an e-mail if you are interested.

On a side note, I need to re-learn HTML. I have used Dreamweaver for so long, I seem to have forgotten the basics. And Dreamweaver can't alter the template for the blog directly. The two programs are speaking slightly different packets. Please bear with me as I re-work the front page and the interface.

Muah!
Lyrinoir

I'm a book!

2005-08-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

Well not realy. Kinda

I love SRPGs. They make me sooooo happy. And consume all of my free time.

It occurs to me that not everyone who reads this knows what a SRPG is. Let alone a RPG. Lesson time! RPG stands for Role Playing Game, a genre of game where the player takes on the role of a main character and develops him/her through battles and/or social interaction. Common stereotypes of these games include EXP points, young girls with ungodly power, and melodramatic villains. The S stands for strategy. These games put you in control of a single character and put that character in control of an army. It is your job to create a diverse and powerful fighting force to take on the forces of evil (or good). Your army isn't a standard one of soldiers and medics. Spell casters, monsters and gods are some of the more unusual mercenaries you could employ.

ANYWAY... I love SRPGs. They make me sooooo happy. And consume all of my free time. Nippon Ichi Software is responsible for a lot of the really good SRPGs out right now. They just released Makai Kingdom in the US last Wednesday. I, of course, bought it immediately and have spent more than 20 hrs on it since. The main character in the game is a book. Well ok, he's a demon overlord trapped in a book. It's really quite funny. All the other overlords have to write wishes in Zetta (the main character) for the story to progress. (lit: I wish for the next episode to begin.) The whole reason this is even one here is because of my favorite character currently. He is a SaberKitty (actual class) named NekoBox and he carries a Katana. So cute and soooo deadly.

Anyway...

Muah!
Lyrinoir

Excesses

2005-08-01T16:45:00.000-05:00

Free time is one of nature’s blessing/curses. On the one hand, I now have free time to write in the blog, catch up on my world news and generally breathe a little easier. On the other hand, I am wasting time which could be spent on something more productive. Like getting money. At any rate, it has been said that "once is an event, twice is a coincidence, and three times is serendipity." The reason I mention this is because Aldous Huxley has achieved serendipity status today. Aldous Huxley, the author of Brave New World, is an interesting person in and of himself but not a character I expect to turn up in everyday conversation. The first time was in a BBS discussing the movie The Island. Someone had asked if the movie had any relation to Huxley's novel by the same name. I had read the book and quickly responded no. The second time was when a friend e-mailed me to ask if she could borrow my copy of Brave New World. Finally, it was brought to my attention that he had been quoted in the most recent edition of The Week. "You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad as hell."
I left the post overnight and forgot where I was going with this ....

Anyway... Serendipity is kinda weird... oh bugger.

Saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... Loved it.

Watch my brain melt... weeee!

Muah!
Lyrinoir